What Sickness Can Have Of Me

Fluffy mind
grey furry
kitty

stab wounds
in my soul
the pain
reverberates
on my physical body

you don't know ME
you say
of course not
I say.
Will the real slim
shady
please stand up
please stand up.

there is no such thing
as a REAL YOU unless
you peel off the layers of
hidden
and step forward.

I know this
because I have hidden
behind mask after mask
for so long
I forgot I was hiding.
Stage time turned into
classroom professor
turned into writer
turned into
wife turned into
the Melissa I was
SUPPOSED TO BE.

Until one day I GO SICK.
And now - and only now
I realize now one tells
sick people how to be.
We just get sick
and there are no more rules.
THERE ARE NO RULES.

Unless I count the ones that say
people are uncomfortable
around illness. People are
upset by the sick.
People don't like
to discuss awkward shit,
taboo topics,
or especially polluting polluted
horrific things that will
never get better--

"STOP TALKING ABOUT
BEING SICK I'LL STILL GIVE YOU
ATTENTION EVEN IF YOU
DO'NT TALK ABOUT HOW
BAD YOU FEEL."
I once heard a man tell a woman who was
on chemotherapy as her chemo dripped into her vein
through her port.

She cried slowly, wordlessly. Her shoulders shrugged.
He offered to get her a chocolate sundae
and she agreed but I could tell that she was
only 'behaving well' for him.

I wanted to hug her, but I knew that my
presence was not invited.
My presence is never invited.
I want to STOMP OVER EVERYTHING THAT IS UNFAIR.
My sickness is unfair.
Doctors get tired of chronic illness AND SO THEY ACT LIKES SHITS.
The good ones are fabulous- but there aren't enough to spread around.
Men check out of marriages and so perfectly lovely women end up alone.
And so we end up with terrorized hearts - afraid to love again -
and that leaves me --
tentatively writing this
peeking around.
Realizing that the loving I've been doing is healing me.
Learning to love right now right here is healing me.
Maybe it isn't SEX but love is healing me from the inside out.

And I'm watching illness not necessarily win.
I'm watching some people have victories, small ones -but victories every day.
There are no rules anymore
to loving.
To being sick.
Fluffy grey fur
on my kitty cats butt
he loves me.
He has no rules
except he doesn't like
to be chased.
He will come to you
and snuggle.

NO CHASING.
UNDYING LOYALTY.
done.
We have a deal.
I love him.
He loves me.
He accepts me even with my sickness.

I talk to my lupies sisters.
I chat with a friend in recovery.
We are all healing.
Stay on our Path.
There are no rules for this.

I do know you.
You are HUMANITY.
And if you are unwilling to
share more
and give and
receive more
and ask when you have pain
and hold out your hand
when it is needed
then you are doing yourself a disservice.
I am only NOW learning that lesson.
And it is a valuable lesson.
And I am letting you know me.
I am letting all my beautiful
friends know me.

And it is scary to me.
This love stuff is scary to me.
Loving people is RISK.
After THE ILLNESS - so many losses -
so many people went away.
It hurt so much.
But now - I have so much love too.
And I'm so grateful.
I am surrounded by love.
And when my friends need me
I FEEL USEFUL AGAIN
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS
I AM USEFUL.
I can talk and make people feel listened to.
I can knit (slowly and badly- but I can).
I can make cards for people.
I can send sweet e-mails.
I can use my mind to think smart thoughts for those who might want college advice.
I am still a useful and productive being.
I just forgot.
I am not the Melissa I was before.
But I am still someone - an I'll be damned if the love I have now isn't BIGGER BY MILLIONS
than it ever was before.
maybe in part
because I'm
being more honest.

So- maybe I don't
know you.
or the real you.
or the you that you
want to be.
or that you will become.
or allllll of those yous.
And maybe you are just
getting to know me.
allllll of me.
Because you are only meeting
some of me's.
And I'm learning to know me
every day.
And I'm happy to find out
that I am lovable.
And that I LOVE SO MUCH.

Stab wounds.
in my body
reminds me
who I am
but
it cannot
take away
anything
about me
other than
some
rest.

I defy
you
sickness
to steal
anything
more from me
I WILL NOT
GIVE IN.
I
will
not
give
in.