Then I realized if that's the case I'm not going to write much for a while.
My vision is going and my usual regular 2x a year eye doc visits to make sure I don't have plaq build up continues to show that it is STILL neurological.
So yep- in addition to seeing acid style streaks where if a cat walks by I see a long line of her across the room. I am now seeing blotches of black and red - like blood- but its not. It's just patches that are going - like langoliers are eating my vision. Which sucks.
And it makes me dizzy and I have trouble focusing. So in addition to any medication I'm on - I have to go out in the world and pretend its not spinning and whirling - and look at people in what MIGHT be their face - in what MIGHT be their eyes. I want to cry- I want to scream.
But I WANT FRIENDS.
I've been firing friends too. Some have been friends since jr. high... but they've been having a "rough time" with my illness... which doesn't mean they need to take space... it means they go away- far far away-- they dont' call or take calls, they don't send me e-mails to take mine... they just tuck in with their familes and ignore me. And I realize that some have been through multiple hospitalizations and they feel like - "fuck it -she hasn't died yet" so they're taking this one off... but that's not how it's done.
I had ONE really good friend Amy who said, "I am terribly depressed right now - so much so that I haven't anything to give. While I love you I haven't looked after myself. So I want you to know that this card is the only thing I have for you right now."
that card meant more to me than any visit or call all month in 2007- b/c I realized how hard Amy had it. If you're so depressed it hurts - picking up a card and addressing it TAKES EFFORT.
I go out and perform for people constantly and never tell them a thing about what's happening. I have but FEW friends in my life - but lots of people I know. And its getting harder and harder and harder for me to hold on. The doctor has these great hopes for one of 2 things. A remission after this big fat treatment she wants to throw at it - that I don't want b/c I just can't fucking take anymore - I don't care if I'm a tiger- even tigers need a pride of other tigers to hunt and care of each other.
Or - she's hoping that this one - this one just goes away... oohhh - flare. the 3 year flare that suddenly STOPS. wouldnt it be nice? all the strange noises i hear in my ears. all the medications...
i have had an infection for 2 months that keeps getting worse - WOULDN[T IT BE NICE.
self-care is a joke.
my poor animals... i gave moshe my cat's insulin shot, took her allergy pill, and tried to give her all my meds but realized at the last minute what i'd done and put them in teh garbage.
i dont know what i'm doing.
yet - i can be HILARIOUS on stage or out for a few minutes.
ask me to write out bills or do laundry or take a shower or make a telephone call and its like you asked me to move the empire state building 20 feet.
this. is. lupus.