Connections

I once had a lover tell me - "Nothing is ever really told until I tell you." And I remember being so moved by that. Truly moved. And I remember at the time feeling much the same way. No story felt really heard, no sight really seen, no book truly read or comprehended until I SHARED IT. Sadly- that lover was a QUICK SPARK. It did not last. It was not a soul match.

But you get it right? I think that so much of human connection is that way. We share with each other BECAUSE the experience is NOT truly experienced until it is FULLY experienced with another human soul. And if we have no one to share it with we write about it - or we sing it - or we make art. We find some way to make the experience somehow divine.

And if we cannot find a way to make a positive connection the by god we commit violent acts of fuckkery until there will be no sharing - we BLOW SHIT UP. We mangle the hell out of things. We break and bend our minds and other people. Look at the violence people bestow on each other - on their most beloved - on the earth - on animals - on the sick - the elderly- on those most innocent and helpless. Rahh rahh rahhhhhh. I cannot connect I don't know how we seem to say - and so I will STOMP ALL OVER AND FUCK SHIT UP UNTIL I AM HEARD ANOTHER WAY - VIOLENT AND VICIOUS. RAHHH.

It works. We sit up. We pay attention. Rapt attention. It's all over the news, the radio, the everywhere. We all care about that - purposeful or not - senseless or not - we pay attention to that seemingly meaningless way of "connecting".. or dare I say "disconnecting." Plugging up one's ears so sufficiently that nothing and no one can be heard.

I'm just... I'm suffering right now - with the desire to connect on so many levels - with myself - with others- with people - I want to be on stage again - I want my BODY to be better. I'm FRUSTRATED that I tire. I want so badly to PERFORM. I want so badly to TEACH. I want so badly to write more and longer. I want so badly to function at a higher level again. I want so badly to have a lover again - a better sort perhaps - one who gets me truly truly deeply gets me and one whom I deeply truly get... yet -- I crave that connection.

I'm frustrated right now. I want to sleep right now - and yet - I'm blogging because it is my only way to connect. I want to rip the curtains down and show myself to every neighbor. I want to yell to my duplex neighbor- YES - I FUCKING ADORE HIM TOO - BUT FUCKING CHRIST MAN DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY OTIS REDDING ON A REPEATING MOTHER FUCKING LOOP HOLY FUCKING HELL I WANT TO FUCKING MURDER YOU... and yet... I like my neighbor. I want to remain on good terms with him even though he's one of those "good fences" kind of guys.

I'm craving positive connections. Yet I need boundaries too. I need those too in order to have WISE CHOICES. So that you don't end up with some cluster fuck of strange relationships making loud honking noises in your face... you need to have real friendships and relationships coming through.

And I've already admitted to you what i've done to have in my head - my "special friendship" that ... seems to go so distant and so cold when I most want it to be so warm and so snuggly and so special and so powerful... AND GOD KNOWS I DON'T NEED MORE OF THAT.

I don't want false flames. I don't want silly vapid words or flattery- where people tell me flattery about what a lovely face I have or a great mind. I once had a guy tell me - (I don't know WHY OR HOW we're still friends - but I swear to god I stopped being friends and then 5 years later he came back and now we're friends again b/c I always save room for forgiveness and people to grow)... he said, "Melissa- you're so amazing - you're like this perfect woman - you're smart, you're beautiful, you're intelligent, you've got rocking tits, but... I just - I don't like women who are SO educated b/c I'll never be able to TRULY top you and well... I just don't see myself with a fat girl in the long term... I just... even though we have this massive attraction - and when I'm around you everything just clicks for us - you're -- you're not the TYPE I see myself with."

And I don't know what happened to me. I didn't do anything really. I just... said, "Well clearly we are not a match - because MY MATCH would realize that NO ONE is perfect and MY MATCH would realize that chemistry and connection and joy in each other and easy conversation and attraction are more than half the battle. And there ARE guys out there who adore fat girls - and I've not explored them- and YOU ASKED ME OUT so I figured you were attracted to me right... so.. well -- you can go. And you can pretty much forget the friendship too."

I don't think it hurt my feelings either. Because he didn't seem like much of a loss. It seemed like he was stupid? Because right after that I met my husband and he seemed to fucking ADORE ME.

NOW I feel more shy about my body-- not just my physical body- b/c it is SO MUCH MORE FAT than just chubby the way it used to be-- but.. now it has gotten sick... and NOW I'm like - holy shit -- I'm no longer the invincible woman. And when people call me strong I think - NO WAY-- I'm fucking - grasping at straws all the time. I'm always feeling alone. I'm constantly looking inward trying to PROPEL myself into making it one more day. I have to PROMISE myself sometimes that the feelings of being COMPRESSED will pass.

I know that I am not depressed, for which I am grateful - truly grateful -- but know that my brain / central nervous is being fucked with is actually WORSE. I have plenty of depressed and bipolar friends. And i adore them. But they make PILLS for that shit. And well -- I'm just taking my preds and praying my bones don't crumble into dust before I die. Right.

And feeling disconnected. What the fuck.

Nothing I tell is truly told until... Nothing I see is truly seen until...

And now -- EVERYTHING EVERYTHING I experience - I experience alone. It just is. And that is oK. I have traveled alone. I have seen the world with someone and at times alone. And I have felt what it feels like both ways. And somehow I have found ways to make connections. I'm just right now wondering WHAT connection is going to finally snap.

And I know that is just fear speaking. It is. Fear is not my friend. Fuck fear. Fear is my bitch. FEAR IS ALL OUR BITCHES.

We are not our sickness. This is just part of it. Connection is difficult for anyone - even those in relationships. Relationship isn't just romance. And - being in relationship with OURSELVES is hard - being in relationship with others is also our job. Making connection is something I do. I have a gift for it- I will continue to do it. Until my dying day I will continue to do it even when I feel like this - lost - sad - tired. I feel that hands are not grabbing back for me. i will keep doing it. I must.

Fear is not my friend. Being alone is part of life. Loss is part of life. And so is connection. Sometimes connections are found is strange places. And sometimes they find you when you are not looking.

And all this time I have been trying to do 2 things - 1) be honest 2) have trust.

Getting there. Slowly.

Bed time now.

Things That Have Stayed With Me

I once went to a spoken word reading where an older cancer survivor read a spoken word poem. She wasn't brilliant or fancy. She didn't do SLAM poetry the way it's popular nowadays. She didn't even read with a very loud confident voice. But the poem she read stayed with me for the rest of my life... and I'm pretty sure that I went to the reading in 1999 - so it's been a while.

This woman said, "I want two best friends - one who can sit with me when I'm sad and just care and one who can go out and have fun and be crazy. I want a lover who can see me for who I really am." She went on and on - talking about what she REALLY WANTED. And the crazy thing is - the woman was older than me by far- and at the time - she was sick and I was healthy... but IT RESONATED.

And now-- now I find myself in her shoes... and I find myself wanting what SHE WANTS.

There is a friend I have - a friend who doesn't know they are special to me. I have told them a few times. But because I am loving and sweet to so many- this friend doesn't know they hold a spark spark for me. Like a real spark. Like something that ignites in my chest when I think of them. And it does BECAUSE they are sweet for no reason. They are kind to people. They do things out of honor and duty - and I LIKE THAT. I LIKE LOYALTY. I like people who take on things for other people - even at their own expense. I want to repay them and reward them. I want to give them huge love- and I want to wrap them up in my big love.

I just do. But I do other silly frivolous things too - -I FALL IN LOVE - with their minds - with their souls... it's silly really. I know it is. Like falling for your doctor because they have done something like saved your life. I get that I'm a dork. And I'm TELLING YOU- because I cannot be the only one. And if I am - then at least you will be here to witness my awkward dorkness in all it's glory.

Meanwhile -- it is frustrating to have someone special - someone you want to look in the eyes and say THANK YOU - thank you for suffering - thank you for minimizing your own desires for someone else. And let me reward you. And... too-- I hate that I am seen as always EITHER madonna or whore. People who know I study sex see me as just someone who is naughty sexy and that annoys me and I want to say-- DAMMIT THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN SEX.

And then I never have it right... that is why I study something like that -- b/c I am so afraid of it... I study sexy kinky things because I have been so afraid to let it really touch me - to trust someone - to let them in that deeply... even with my ex- SEX - real intimate sex was easy.. but he never touched the core of me - my fantasies - my deeper desires. Because I just couldn't ... I didn't have it with him. He wasn't INTERESTED IN IT. And so - I knew he wasn't interested - and I was not BRAVE enough to ask. And so it went unexplored. Except for in my research and in my brain and in my fantasies. And I told myself - no one's life is perfect. Everyone WANTS. Wanting is ok.

And my sex life was great. Really. I once told my ex - TRUTHFULLY- that even our worst sex was brilliant. And I meant it. But I wonder - if I had a lover who TRULY wanted to know my fantasies and explore them... and tell me their fantasies and explore them -- WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE? The idea not only intimidates me- but thrills me. And it saddens me -- because I only ever have such lovers in my fantasies... like with my friends or my doctor who saved my life. Because I just don't think it's possible.

I never feel pretty enough. I think - no man will want someone who is fat or intelligent or sick... I make up excuses. And really- I'm awkward... and I have met few men who seem to be a match to me. They LIKE ME... but really-- it is either a SPIRITUAL match or a SEXUAL match... and so -- I honestly deeply think that perhaps I was meant to be celibate and just want. "everyone wants"...

Maybe this life for me was meant to be explored from a distance. Maybe I truly was meant to be a humanitarian. I dont' MIND being a giver. I don't MIND opening myself to be given to and loved. I am getting more and more used to reciprocity.

And listening to this woman-- and remembering how she WANTED... it just resonates more now and it rises up from the back of my mind to the front. And I realize that I have a special person I keep nestled in my heart tucked away-- BECAUSE they will never be for me. I can tell and tell them how special they are BECAUSE they will never 1) hear me 2) care 3) get it 4) want to explore it 5) want me back. etc etc etc. I do it on purpose. I pick the most unavailable person - emotionally- physically- etc - and I want them. ON PURPOSE. It protects me. And I understand it. And I love myself for it really.

I see through my own devices. I just want to call it out for what it is. It's human. And it is ok. I'm allowed to WANT. And I'm allowed to have crushes and people who are special to me. As long as I don't begin to feel rejection where there is none... because no one is rejecting me... it is impossible to be rejected by invisible beings that I create in my mind to have fantasies with in order to have some type of "relationship" with in order to dream with it might feel like to have one.

I am a 36 year old woman. And I am alone. And I don't like it. And that is ok. I allow it. I also allow for special feelings and fantasies and desires. I allow this too.

---
My doctor whom I love - Dr. A -- I love her -- she scrubbed up 3 years ago - and prepping for a minor surgical procedure. .. and it was when my life was falling apart. I was so sad, so afraid... and if I closed my eyes I could physically FEEL my heart bursting in my chest. My baby was gone, my husband was throwing me away. My life as I knew it was ending. And I truly ached from within a place I only knew as a place to mourn deaths. So to me - this was death loss.

And suddenly- though I am put under all the time - and have my affirmations and am usually calm and cool -- suddenly- I was not ok. I felt panic. I said, 'I need someone to hold my hand!" And the nurses said, "I cannot - I'm busy, my hands are full." Everyone looked up- at me - at a loss as to what to do with me - this needy patient."

And I was so afraid. My heart felt even more shattered. I was alone MORE ALONE. Suddenly I was going to die and I knew it. And the doctor - scrubbed up and waiting for the procedure to begin didn't say, "Put her under" the way any normal doc would... she took off her mask and she came over and she held my hand and smiled at me while they put me under. It only took a few seconds really... such a waste of time for her... b/c then she had to go back and rescrub.... It was SUCH a waste of her time. But I will always love her for that. I NEEDED HUMAN CONNECTION. And that day I loved Dr. A.

So that is why I got her a gift when I went in for my last procedure. And this time she found more than we wanted to find. And diagnosed me with several more diseases... funny really-- this time it was worse... but I was more loved. I am calmer. Things are better... And this time I gave her some beautiful bracelets and a note that said, "Thank you for doctoring from the heart." And I know that I have seen beneath her mask. I have. And she is a good doctor. and she is taking care of me. And I will be ok.

And when I woke up from this procedure- instead of feeling sick the way I ALWAYS feel - I felt surrounded in love - a cloud of it... and I felt good. And I knew that I was always going to be OK. And that these diseases and illnesses are just part of life. And that I can have a full life with them - more than even some people who are not sick.. because many people who are not sick do not REALIZE what they have. And many people squander their lives. I DO NOT SQUANDER MY LIFE. I know what every minute costs me. I know what every breath is. I know how precious my brain is- and what my thoughts are worth. I am recording them.

I know that my friends are valuable. I know that YOU are valuable. I know that wasting time on judgement is stupid- and so I am letting that go. I know that trusting - REALLY TRUSTING is what I am here to do-- because I have done so little of that - especially the last 3 years.

If there is anything I have missed out on it has been trust. But - if there has been anything I needed to learn myself - it has been trust. And so -- I suppose I do not resent these lessons. I needed to learn them - and yet - like the taste of earwax- I do hope to NEVER EVER have to re-experience them. Once is enough - thanks.

--
Doctors who hug. I have had hugs from several doctors in my life - and I remember each one. I love when my doctors hug me - they congratulate me on my health - on my continued vitality. And I remember the doctors who have believed me when I was sick and at my worst - and the looked through and said, "You will get through this - THIS IS NOT YOU - THIS IS TEMPORARY- WE WILL FIGURE THIS OUT." And I remember ever doctor who has believed in me and known that I am more than my own illness. And they have helped me along the way... and they have been angry at the doctors who tear their patients down.

And... what's more -- I am tired of naming out my illnesses -- it feels annoying. And yet-- I also do not want to shy away from them -- they are not in charge -- they are not satan or demons. I am not possessed by my illnesses. Lupus, my first and oldest - and all the rugrats that follow, Hashimoto's, Sjögren's, celiac, seizures. Cancer yes--- in remission yes. And thyca-- are you or arent you? The biopsies came back inconclusive this time because what is happening in my throat and thyroid and esophagus is a cluslterfuckery from the crohn's disease they are concerned that I have... I'm under renewed suspicion. Which is why I get to swallow a pill camera.

I have another surgery coming up-- on June 18th. And another one- but I find out the date for that on the 2nd. I'm nervous of course - b/c I don't like being put under. I just don't. But - let's take it one step at a time. One step at a time. Life is getting ok again. Even if I am sick - the sickness doesn't HAVE ME. Even if I am in pain right now -- there can be pain without suffering.

Even if I die sooner than later -- DEATH IS NOT A FAILURE. And if I live a long long time -- that too is part of my journey. I do not know - I really do not. I do not know my path right now, all I know is that I am supposed to be on it.

I keep many things in my heart- moments that have stayed with me. Powerful moments. I'm glad of them. I'm glad people have impacted my life. People who don't even know they have. It means that I can also impact people's lives - and that gives me renewed purpose. It is my job to live well. It is my job to do my best job. And if I fall in love with people along the way because they are good hearted and kind - so what. I'm allowed to be whimsical. I just am. Especially if I promise not to dig through their trash while they are asleep.

Real Gratitude

I've been doing some thinking about my life. Maybe I've spoken about it before- I can't remember. I'm coming slowly into these thoughts.

My ex divorced me and my life shattered - truly shattered into thousands and thousands of pieces. I didn't know who I was or where I was going. My whole life was lost. Many of my friends were gone - they left me - or in some instances - I decided they were not good for me.

And my life shattered more and more - and re-shattered. New living spaces - new diseases, no job, no home, no garden, no security, all the things I knew and loved were GONE. Truly gone.

But mostly- and this is very real -- I loved my husband more than I loved my own life. I don't think he knew that. I don't think any one did. And when I got sick - my mind was crazy-sauced. I didn't know what side was up. My brain was SWOLLEN. I had dementia like symptoms. I was not Melissa. Yes - I can have COMPASSION for him. Yes I can FORGIVE him a little... Yes - these are things that are coming to me now.

But I don't think my ex husband ever knew - really knew how much I REALLY TRULY LOVED HIM. I had a picture of us during our engagement photos where he was kissing me. My eyes were closed and I was smiling so big. And I put it on our wall so it was the first thing you saw when you walked in our back door. And on our wall in our front you saw our painting we had commissioned -a symbol of our life together- OUR HOME. And in our dining room was our painting we got on our honeymoon. In every room of the house was a piece OF US. I used that home to symbolize US.

And I realized that I never TOLD HIM really - how very much I loved him - was IN LOVE WITH HIM. I just did. With my whole heart. With every fiber of my being. I planted gardens and painted rooms and bought furnishings to make a comfortable well appointed house. And people would visit and say, "What a beautiful comfortable loving home." And I KNEW they felt surrounded by the love I felt for him.

But this is the real point I'm trying to say-- in all of that - all of the STUFF... the fiesta wear we collected - that I took half during the divorce - and sold to pay my rent... the stuff - the furniture that he bought me out of - that I lived off of for the last year and paid my rent and utilities.. the car that I had that he's paid for -- in all of this - I just had. I never cared about it - they were just part of my life. I've worked my whole life. I'm highly educated - so THINGS and MONEY just came with it. Material possessions were part of my life - to be expected.

If we were going on a trip to Italy- he would buy me some beautiful Murano glass in anticipation - because he was romantic like that. If we were going to Japan - he would get me Mikimoto pearls in anticipation - because he was romantic like that. And in his own way- I think he tried to love me. But I don't think he LOVED ME. I think I was his version of the house. A proper thing. SUPPOSED TO BE. The right time. He was the right age, with the right job, and the right car, and the right everything and I made 12 dozen cookies and everyone said, "keep her," and I was educated and talented and funny and everyone said, "she's grand, we like her." and so - he did. He kept me.

But when I got sick and my mind was crazy and I was sick - he was afraid and upset and alone and he didn't know where to turn - and he didn't HANDLE crisis well. And his friend and family said' - she is an attention whore - she is weird - we don't like her anymore -- she is RUINING YOUR LIFE... oh my god - how long is she going to be sick??? REALLY? REALLY??? "get rid of her-- she will come to no good if she cannot get her ph.d. and be a good mother to your children- throw the baggage out."
And so he did.

But-- in all of that. I never ever ever had REAL GRATITUDE. During my marriage. I came home to a beautiful expensive home and I loved it. I slept and was incredibly sexually satisfied with a man and we planned a family and I TRULY LOVED HIM-- but I never had REAL GRATITUDE. It just was. I had everything I had every wanted -- even folding laundry with him. I never wanted anything MORE. I had EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. Really. He was my sun, my moon, and my stars. The family I wanted would come. The garden I loved would grow. The animals we tended would grow ever more spoiled.

THIS WAS MY LIFE. But I never ever sat and was stunned by the absolute perfection of it. EVER. Not till recently.

Not till I sit and have ONE PAIN FREE HOUR. And I'm fucking grateful.

Not till yesterday when Alex gave me a hug for a 30 minutes we snuggled platonically- and i was sooo happy - so happy to be wrapped up in someone's arms - and be snuggled. My entire body was so happy for love and snuggles because I'm so skin hungry for touch... and I was SO. GRATEFUL.

I am so grateful when I can eat food and it stays down and I don't feel nauseated.

And when I go to the local bakery and my beautiful friend Raquel makes me a special muffin with cream cheese frosting dollups on it.. and I am SO GRATEFUL to be spoiled by her. really i am.

And I spent time tonight with my friend Nina - who is family to me. And she brought dinner... and we held hands and snuggled on the couch and talked and visited. And I truly love her. And I am GRATEFUL that we know and understand each other.

These gratitudes are so big for me. SO. BIG.

And I realize that without my life shattering and re-shattering and re-shattering again and again and again into the finest finest kind of sand - so fine even that they are the softest powder - I could never - ever- ever know what REAL LOSS IS. And now I realize how special every fucking breath I take is.

And I WILL NEVER EVER take a second of my life for granted. No one single friend. Not one kindness. Not one eyelash.

And so now when I had to get tires and am spending the rent money-- I am grateful for the new tires. And for the honest mechanic I've had since 1999 who I really like. And for all the people I've had in my life who've helped me get to where I am.

And I think even of all the mean and unkind people - people who've told me mean and bad things - who've made me BUCK UP and get some self-esteem-- people who've made me grow. People who've shattered my resistance. People who make me HATE unkindness.

I owe them all a big fucking thank you.

I also know this -- it is natural and normal for me to miss being in relationship. It is. There is a story of a Buddhist monk who was lonley and horny. He was contemplating it and he realized that his feelings made him even MORE connected to all of humanity-- b/c it was a universal feeling. And that is how HE resolved HIS feelings. Well.. I'm no Buddhist monk. I'm NOT purposely celibate. I'm sick - I was divorced... and now I'm going through a phase of getting better and making a move to live in my parent's den for a year or so whilst I recover my health and my financial stability and get my academic and writing and job shit secured.

So... in that time.. guess what. I'm going to be ok. It's normal and natural for me to WANT to be connected to all humanity. It's normal for me to be ATTRACTED to kindness in others. It's normal for me to yearn for connection - real connection.. and then it's BIOLOGICAL for me to want physical connection. And - I don't know if I'll find another lover. I don't know. I'll be sick for the rest of my life unless the come out with some crazy ass cure. And even if I get better- I'll have the threat of illness in my mind. And - I'll be haunted by the past actions of my ex for the rest of my life... a man who KNEW I WAS SICK but when I got too sick - threw me away like a sack of rubbish.

And so - there will be fear. And I've said the words, "I believe in love - big love - but I don't truly believe in romantic love anymore." And I'm not sure I do. And I don't really like sex without love. And so - therein lies this hallow lonely existence. Unless there is room for MORE meaningful ways to live... like a Buddhist monk. Or-- for just living. And not making too much of things. And being. And being GRATEFUL that I am capable of love in every capacity. Because I am. Some people are not.

And I am. I will always know the power of it. And if I ever find love again -- not only will I be MUCH MORE RESPECTFUL OF IT... I will cherish it far more. I will never be able to wake up next to someone again and not be moved to tears at how magnificent it is to be able to do so. Because I have lost it once. It is a fucking privilege to get that kind of love. And even if it was ONE SIDED - I loved my husband like that. And if he did not love me like that- it is none of my business.

If I ever have an opportunity to be in a romantic relationship again - it is MY JOB to make WISE CHOICES. And make sure that it is more WELL BALANCED. And make sure my partner is capable of sticking through - and loving me through thick and thin. And taking care of me and being taken care of if he gets ill... because he might. And I CAN take care of people and nurture them.

And so... I desire an equal partner who wants a little bit of kinky minx in the bedroom - but a lot of love and compassion and joy everywhere else. And who likes intelligent awkward geeky girls to boot.

I Listened Last Night

It has been a long time since I listened - truly listened to God. Not since the meditation when I was in my early 20's when I had the vision of me becoming sick and I heard THE VOICE- telling me that I would become sick - and saw the vision of my own sickness looking very much like I do now - and heard it say, "You will become very sick and your life will have much suffering" and then saw my own death with a great deal of pain-- after that I have to admit- I haven't LISTENED to God much.

True - I've prayed - lots of prayers. But I haven't LISTENED. Because I haven't wanted to to HEAR shit like that anymore. I just haven't. And I haven't meditated deeply ever since. NEVER AGAIN. I stopped doing transcendental meditation. And the only yoga I ever did was this westernized shit- no more India-style yoga... And after that - I got all into my HEALING MODE... and I learned all the stuff I know about healing and I learned all I know about COMPASSION and all I know about NOT JUDGING ILLNESS. And I never got sick. So I thought I was supposed to BE A HEALER- but that somehow I had skipped the part where *I* would get sick.

But I have SEEN too many people die before they die and too many births before they are born to know TRULY KNOW that God was sharing with me something important. And so - I was shared with again. And I guess once -- long ago - when I was struggling - truly struggling I was in a park with my doggie - after I left my 10 year unconsummated sexless marriage to a gay - and man - and decided I WANTED TO HAVE SEX - I deserved to have sex. I was good enough and pretty enough and beautiful enough to have sex...

And I said - GOD PLEASE - PLEASE PLEASE. And for the first time in a long long time -- A man - walked out of the trees and looked at me and said, "Stay on your path." And I was too afraid by this time. My head had been filled with demons and with cynicism. I was no longer a mystic. I was no longer a truster. I had lost my VISION. I no longer SAW with eyes or heard with EARS. And I said, "Who are you." And the man said, "I am Enoch. Stay on your path." And then he turned and he left."

And that is THE LAST TIME that I have truly HEARD a voice. A real voice. Where I knew GOD was speaking to me. I am not mixing religions. I don't give a fuck what YOU believe. I have been a universalist my entire life. pish pish on it all. God is bigger than the constraints of it all. So what if I am a Jew and use the Jewish traditions to hold me to my history of it all. I also speak to Goddess and to every single religious entity that has ever been spoken to AND THEY ALL FUCKING COME. They work. They flow. And I don't care if that bothers you - it doesn't bother me. It works. God is bigger than your judgement and your disbelief.

And yet-- last night- for the first time in a long time I said to God -- I am sorry that I have not LISTENED to you for a long long time. I have been afraid of what you have to tell me. Tonight I want to listen again. I am open. I am open to HEAR YOU in any way you wish to come.

And last night for the first time I slept. Soundly. With no dreams. With no fear. With nothing. Last night God spoke to me in silence. And I woke up with no fear. And I am moved by the compassion and love of my friends. And I feel loved by other people. And I am a little more ready and easy to forgive some people in my life who I have been working on forgiving since last Yom Kippur- when I told God - "I am sorry God - please accept my desire- my real true desire to forgive and help me work on it. Please help me forgive - because I cannot do this with my own strength. The burden of my own anger is too great. So if you help me I ask to release both the anger and to forgive."

And so I woke up today and I find some compassion has washed over that place - and I realize that space feels less dense now. And all I could say was THANK YOU. And so I did. I said it three times actually- because I was so surprised. And so grateful.

And I am still nervous for my procedures today. They booked in two actually. I didn't tell you that. Even the doctor had some misgivings - but we did it. Because it is time. And because I have not the heart to keep going back on the operating table. And because the last biopsy came back with the news, "Inconclusive.-- we need to re-biopsy that motherfucker bc I didn't take the right tissue I need to do it under a scope next time oops."

And I know I will reach down and find the strength for it when the time comes. But every single time feels daunting.

Witnessing my own death was scary. If I watch it again - perhaps with a friend and write about it- maybe I will find something more loving and gentle in there. Maybe I will release it. I have been holding on to it since my early 20's - right after watching my grandmother dying.

Since that time I have been a friend to others and held their hand through their cancer and their chemo and their illness. I have helped them and their family members LET GO and die... and I wonder now WHY my own death would be so scary. Perhaps that was not God's intention at all - but only the way I experienced. Perhaps if I had let God finish? But I stopped listening and plugged up my ears. Perhaps he would have shown me better things - like love and being surrounded by people I love - or a life fully lived? Who knows- I STOPPED LISTENING.

I wish to start listening again. I talk too much. I speak over others. It has been my bad habit ever since then. I have been so afraid that a message will come through for me that I stopped listening.

I shall start now.

It is time.

Thank you for this message. Thank you - Thank you - Thank you. for never leaving even when I go.

More Good News

"Don't blame me blame the Irish"
he said
right before he said,
"God bless you Mel"
as we laugh and I
congratulate him
on his
pregnant wife
and once
again
my heart
crumbles into
a fist in my chest.
My lungs
accordions-
these instruments
I know so well
lies- true ones though -
"I'm so fucking happy
miles and miles of happy"

How can something be so true
and so false at the same time?
I would give him so many joys.
I love him to the ends of the world.
And yet I despise his pity.

I was supposed to have this too.
My wedding came first - my child -
my love - mine mine mine mine.

I crush down on my jealousy. It's not
really- anything more than
what I see every time I see
a pregnant woman
walking down the street.

Or when I was a birth partner
to a friend who was both unwed
and couldn't decide even at 7 months
if she wanted to give her child
up for adoption or keep it.

And the entire time I wanted
to slap her and hold her
and hold myself.
How I wanted to shake her
again and again
for getting to be pregnant
when I lost my own
baby.

And yet - I got to watch her
child come out.
And while her own dizzy
stupid mother ran around
taking pictures and making
a mess of it - I held her hand
and looked into her yes
and said, "You're doing this
perfect. You're doing this
just right."

And I rubbed lotion into her feet.
And when the time came - and
the baby was being cooed over and
weighed - I stayed there holding her
hand while she was being sewn up
and said, "You did a perfect job,
you're baby is perfect, you are perfect,
you did it just right. You are just right."

And I know in my heart - that I
deserved those moments.
And I will never get them.
I will never get them.
How many times have I been
pregnant and NOT TOLD A SOUL?
How many times have my doctor
told me that NOW they have a way
with lupus that I can
have babies now.

NOW YOU TELL ME?
Now?

NOW!?

Now that I have no lover? No one here?
NOW?!

Now that all I would bring is a sick woman
who might possibly get better but
maybe not?
And my friend told me the name
if its a girl.
And I had the opportunity to
see her in my dreams last night.
And I got to know
so many children that way.
I saw Holly's boy come back to her
as well - and that she'd have a
second son though she
didn't believe me till
last week when she delivered
a second one.

I'm tired in a way-
of everyone's babies visiting
me - and yet I fear the day when they
don't.
I fear the day when children no longer
wave at me or smile.
I fear the day when I say hateful things about
children because then my soul
will be sour and hard.
And I don't want that either.

Tis a month of losses - for me.
And good news for many. The merry month of May.
They will give her a beautiful traditional
Irish name.
And I am truly whole heartedly happy.
And I am truly whole heartedly sad.
I'm allowed to feel contradictory feelings.

I don't know if I will ever be healthy enough to
Adopt a child
Or if I do- if I will have a family with someone.
And if a lover would want that with me.
And if I had that - if there is enough love
and healing in the world to hold us in safety.

Carla once sang a song that broke me into bits.
I sang it last night and still cried.
"She's got the whole world, in her hands,
Goddess has the whole world, in her hands,
She's got Melissa's operation in her hands,
She's got the whole world in her hands."

I want to believe this... I want to.
My heart is happy now. Many of my friends
are living the life I wanted to live. I would never take that from them.
I am not done here.
And even when it is my time - I will be done - when I
have lived enough and learned enough.

I am happy and I am sad
that my beautiful friends
are pregnant with the children
that I wanted.
And I wanted many children once.
I wanted FAMILY.
I wanted chaos.
I wanted dishes and laundry and fights and
yelling and laughter
and YOU SOLVE IT.

Thank you for visiting my dreams.
Thank you for sharing yourself with me.
Maybe someday I will be part of it.
And even so - I know that I am
not broken. I know that I am not
unlovable - I have just not
been in a relationship or a body
that gave me what I wanted.

tears cut both ways
just as my happiness
and my sadness.
just as life does.
living. loss.
growth.
i would have made a good mother.
i know that i would have.
i know
this
to be
true.

Voiceless

Today I e-mailed a friend, "need. friend."

I wanted the world to stop - and make over me. I wanted to be scooped up and cuddled. My ex used to rub lotion into my feet and hold me when the world would be like this. I'd soak in tubs. I can even self sooth sometimes - drink warm tea - hold myself...

But the long and short is -- for the last 3 years - almost without end - without end - I've been watching over and over my body and my animals deteriorate. And I KNOW this is the way of life. And I can be pragmatic if I MUST. But right now I don't want to. I want to be sad. I want to be terribly sad. I want to curl up with my little orange girl and tell her how very much I love her.

She's sick. I get it. I've made the decision to spend a little money on her - to get some of her vital organs tested... with a different vet - not b/c I want to SAVE HER- but b/c if she has any infections or treatable illnesses - I WILL treat her infections or issues that CAN be treated. And if she has illnesses that CANNOT be helped. Then I will hold her and be with her while she goes. I will love her on her way out. And I will be with her till the end - and I will listen while she tells me it is time. And with dignity - I will love her on her way out. AND IT BREAKS MY HEART INTO TINY LITTLE BITS BECAUSE I LOVE HER. She has been my kitty daughter for 19 years. NINETEEN YEARS. She has seen me through divorce, disaster, moves, change, friendships, sickness, horror, laughter, the whole nine. Everything a lover is supposed to do - MY CAT HAS DONE.

You get it. MY CAT HAS NEVER EVER EVER STOPPED BEING THERE FOR ME. I owe her that much. I will be there until the very end with her and I will hold her. And I will give her insulin. And I will pay for some medical expenses only because I have not paid so far. I have made the choice not to because I was busy paying for my own. And because I hadn't the extra money. And I was busy paying for food and shelter... but now - I realize - I was secretly expecting her to die. But she didn't. And at her age - she has NEVER had a geriatric workup. Not in all this time. And I"m feeling a little... well... like I owe her one.

Especially if there is anything I can do - like I think she might have a uti or something. And if she doesn't - well - I've spent more on less - and less money for the fucking attorneys to try to take from me anyway. So fuck them. At least I gave it to something who means far more to me. My Morgan has been FAR MORE GOOD TO ME than any doctor. And I mean it when I say I would gladly gladly take any amount of suffering in her place to ease her own. She's my girl.

It has been heavy on my heart last night and today to take her to a place that is less than good. I will not go back. Not after reading their log... Even though the manager has gone out of her way to be good to me... and the vet has gone out of her way to make it ok... I don't mean to take it so personally. I don't mean to. It just matters so fucking much... and I don't mean to be a little crazy anyway... but I fear I am a bit... just a little sometimes... especially when I'm overwhelmed and you're talking about the life or death of my animal... I think I might get a little screechy...

Meanwhile-- I'm in love with my animals. Real love. Powerful love. The love that most people reserve for people... not like physical love... but like HEART LOVE. When they lay on my chest and I pet them.. or when I look in their eyes and they smile up at me - I feel a choked sense of gratitude... I'm so fucking happy to be in their lives and they in mine.

We've been together through thick and thin... and they've never once thrown me away... and even when we've all been stressed out and the whole house feels like it's going to collapse - they come to me - and they lay with ME and they tell me, "I've got you mama - you're MINE."

No one has ever had that kind of loyalty to me. No one has ever ever loved me that way before. And though I've often felt capable of it in my own relationships-- I realize that my animals have taught it to me more than any living being.

I might be "alone" and single for the rest of my life. And it might be short life... and it might be a longer one. And I have no way of knowing really. I'm afraid of my procedure coming up-- I really am... I'm scared... and I wish that I had someone here to tell me that it would be ok... and even if it's not ok - that they will be here for me.... but I know that you go through life ALONE -- AND SICKNESS ALONE... AND EVERYTHING YOU DO - YOU DO ALONE.

And that part of being a person - is learning to not suffer in your alone-ness... and it is to learn to be alone but not lonely. And it is to be part of a bigger loving whole... and it is to continue to HOPE perhaps? maybe that is too much? to at least allow- for growth and change and genuine kindness to come into you and flow out from you... I have nothing more to say really. I often think I'm incapable of making any differences... and then I have to buck up and say- NAY-- I'm it. I'm enough. I love daisies in the field full of wild clover. They are my very very favorite. And if that is so - then I'm beautiful to. And I have something to offer. And if that is humor - or kindness - or wisdom - or just a smile - THEN SO I WILL.

And if I need to cry sometime - and allow someone to hug me - then that is my job too. And so today- and all this week - my job is to let you all know - that I'm afraid - and I'm worried- about my cat - and money (aren't we all) and mostly - about all these tests and this procedure they're doing on Thursday the 27th at 1:30pm... and I'll be under for several hours-- and I'm afraid when that happens... and to please light candles or say prayers... b/c I've been so afraid I haven't even found mine yet.

thanks.
xx

Money - bills - money- bills.

I'm being forced to move sooner than later - because I haven't gotten my money from the backpay... meanwhile.. I'm being sued - over a fairly small amount - but every amount that I get sued for adds up... and I hate seeing it - b/c it makes me feel like a fucking criminal. I hate it.

You'd think that only BAD PEOPLE get sued. But that is not so. People who get sick also get sued. And I am being sued. For MONEY. That I don't have. By the same hospital that I'm going in for some exploratory surgery for on thursday. I'm upset.

And I'm also just in a snit over my cat. I don't want to take her in to the vets in a few hours. My heart is in my throat... I don't want her to die. I'm sick of fear... I worry for my girl. I love her so much. I hate that she will be alone and afraid.

My entire body is unhappy right now- I'm off the medications that brought me a little comfort because I cannot have anything that causes blood to thin etc etc... and I'm worried about my girl... and of course - I'm sad over my miscarried baby...

blah blah blah.

My mind is becoming a black hole right now and I'm not sure how to rein it in. I think it's the blood thinners... I think they work along with the preds to keep my brain calm... I'm making excuses... but I think that's it. I think I'm going a bit nuts. And I'm nervous and sad and feel a wreck. I feel overwhelmed at the enormity of my medical bills. And what will I do? What on earth will I do? Whatever shall I do?

IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO FURTHER TORTURE SICK PEOPLE WITH LEGAL PROBLEMS when we've already been tortured with sickness and pain.

It should be illegal. It is wrong. It is morally reprehensible. I'm angry and upset and in a bad place anyway.

fuck. just fuck. just fuck.

Are women being consumed by/in media? RESIST!

This is in response to several essays and writers and a video on women and consumerism and the exploitation women:

http://remittancegirl.com/discussions/the-woman-that-is-not-woman-the-sex-that-is-not-sex/
and in response to

and http://www.ilcorpodelledonne.net/?page_id=91

Social theorist, Herbert Marcuse, believed that people consume as a form of social control... we work hard to spend all our money so that we can buy what we think we need to be happy and we will only be happy when someone tells us we are happy- they will give us pills to obliterate our UNHAPPY even. So that we are marketed not only THINGS, but even THOUGHTS. It is so insideous mind you that it goes beyond products into the fabric of our very consciousness. We as people are ignoring BASIC NEEDS to have THINGS that are possessing us ever more. And the more we consume the more our world consumes us until we look down into the world and realize that we don't exist except to be used - our very minds have been co-opted. WE ARE SHEEPLE.

And yet - as Remittancegirl has already said -- there are strong oppositions to this-- she pointed out - amateur porn. I will say there is a minimalist movement. People are loving lush cosmetics and things that are not packaged at all. So-

In his aged, but powerful work, Freaks Talk Back, Tabloid Talk Shows and Sexual Nonconformity, Joshua Gamson also discusses the power of the gaze -- a discussion of television culture... one that the is just that. A culture. People consume it the way they consume a carnival. They watch freaks. And there is power of the gaze- it goes both ways to attract attention. These freaks to show their non-conformity on camera- but they are also having their day in power- to force us to watch them - we are looking at them. And we, the viewer, can only engage our own power BY TURNING OFF THE TELEVISION.

Perhaps it is a doubled edged sword for women to be on television, naked or mostly so- to cover up our faces, fill in wrinkles, falsify breasts, remove pieces of ourselves. But that is a choice. And perhaps you can blame a hegemonic power. But to this I have always stood firm - 1) who raises men? WHO RAISES MEN? Women can rant and rave all they want AND I AM A FEMINIST - I AM A FULLY EMPOWERED WOMAN WHO LOVES HERSELF-- and I no more blame men for my own body image than I do any other woman.

Let me tell you why. Once a woman in my classroom told me she spanked her son for playing with a doll. "Why" I asked - shocked. "I don't want him to grow up to be a punk." (Punk, in this case, is an African-American term for gay, effeminate, and not at all respected in the American south.)

I looked out into the classroom. And yet - you just told me that your husband would not change diapers this morning and you were late to class. I looked her in the eye. Perhaps his mother spanked him for playing with dolls? I didn't want to make her upset - I wanted to show her that SHE CREATED THE FEAR IN HER HUSBAND TO CHANGE A DIAPER... she created a son too - that would treat his sons the very same way. We create in our children what we know... and here was a chance for her to change her mind. I do not change people - they change themselves. We are all free agents - but we operate within social forces as old as time.

And men - they raise young girls to be empowered women who can love themselves. Men are important. And they are told repeatedly that they are not. Men are blamed and re-blamed for every problem known to the world. And yet- as far as I know - there is no little man twisting his mustache. I know many women, myself included, who have given up her dreams, her body, her very essence for her MAN. To make him happy and keep him happy. Because she didn't KNOW WHO SHE WAS OR WHAT SHE WANTED. Many women don't know they are allowed or deserve to have happiness. They don't FEEL HAPPY OR COMPLETE without a man telling her who she is or what she wants. And this is not a man's fault. This is just a general fuckup. And it often takes a lifetime to heal. and some women never get over it. And some of us heal nicely.

I've seen men do the same-- get sucked in and spend a life time trying to make a woman happy-- and it is a soul sucking impossibility... b/c you cannot FIND or GIVE happiness. You can only find community and joy and BRING love. Meanwhile-- back to the original essay... power.

Power. It goes both ways. And we lie to assume that there is not both - within and without.

So yes-- there is a television looking at those naked women. Calling them stupid. But they could have at anytime REFUSED TO BE ON THAT SHOW. No one needs to be a spectacle. Were they gaining something from it? Who are we to save them from themselves?

And - who are we to assume that there is a market out there gobbling up our minds without us knowing? We can - at anytime TURN OFF THE FUCKING TELEVISION. We have that option. We can write to each other. We can make calls. We can re-connect in a dozen other ways. We can make our own clothes or buy from local artisans or give each other clothes that we can then re-give and re-give. No one IS FORCES to go to the stores and shops and be part of the system blindly. We CAN resist. And yet we also get forced back into it again and again.

Society is made up of PEOPLE. Social forces are real. And yet they are also not unmitigated. No one dies of peer pressure. No one is putty in other people's hands. How often have I watched women - of many ages - and some men too - agonize over their looks, their hair, their faces - at how others will see them. At how they will BE SEEN by others. Often not even by people they know and love - but just generalized others...

Every time I go buy my medication I am forced to give BIG PHARMA more money- so they can exploit more people. And it chaps my ass. It really does. Yet I do not do so blindly. I get generics when I can and when I cannot- I am not a co-opted blind sheep.

And yes- YES-- feminism and every "good cause" does indeed turn back into itself. It is the way of life. That is what Max Weber called "the Iron Cage of Modernity" -- where in the people who attempt change shake and rattle and the iron cage drops the bars around them - closing them in... no matter how much change we attempt-- we will just shake ourselves back into a bigger tighter cage... We turn into the monsters that we attempt to tame....

And yet--- there IS CHANGE. It is possible. We do NOT need to be a hateful beast... Because the way OUT of the iron cage was after all NOT to struggle at all. It was to enjoy the process of life itself. Remember - to have good coffee- to have good love. To EXPERIENCE LIFE to its fullest. To have a purpose and live that purpose. To WATCH LIFE. To LIVE LIFE. To be part of the LIFE. Do what you do and do it well.

If you are a writer - you write and do it well. If you are a champion- you do it and do it well. If you are a warrior- you fucking do it well. If you are a lover- then you heal with your love. If you are a sexpert - then you fucking - FUCK WELL. If you make a difference in life - then you do so knowing that the differences that you make will blossom... because the iron cage will follow in your footsteps behind you... but the blooms that grew in the seeds that you dropped will not have been in vain.

Stop struggling and star DOING. Do-ers do. Thinkers think. Writers write. Lovers love. And so on. Have coffee with your friends. Experience life.

When women are ready to stop "exploiting themselves" they will stop. The video was great because it shows one idea. And women have choices they can make with what to do for their bodies and with their bodies. And men too - because they are part of it. And they raise women. So - cheers to a few more good ideas. And to a few more voices we can raise. I am a fan of agency. And I also believe that we are all exploited many times a day in many ways. Yes there is commercialism. And the easiest way to opt out of it is to STOP SUBLIMATING OUR DESIRES in stores and shops.

Stop finding value in ourselves or trying to make ourselves whole by dry humping every fashion item that comes out. I'm a huge fan of the minimalist movement. Locally grown, locally made... mom and pops, little stores, doing it yourself when you can. Of getting things from THE LIBRARY and not buying from bookstores. I will power fuck the economy into oblivion with my indifference to their need. I will wear yesteryears fashions and no fashion at all. And no one has ever said anything but "OHMYGOD I LOVE YOUR HANDBAG"... because you know what- I please myself.

And when I start feeling too swarthy or fat - I will realize that I accidentally saw too many commercials b/c my DVR didn't fast foward fast enough or I flipped through a fashion magazine -- and I will realize that I have the ABILITY to take or leave what I want or don't want. Yes- I'm part of this system. Yes - I want to BE PRETTY and desirable. And yes- I'm in the middle of it all - with social forces slamming into me. And yet - I'm a free agent too. I can turn it off. I can stand unshaven - unafraid- (or terrified and do it anyway). I can.

So can every single human on the planet. Resist. Minimize. Let your hair be what it wants. Be beautiful inside yourself. Do what you wish. Refuse to shop unless you WANT something or NEED it. And stop letting others tell you what makes you happy.

Resist. And better yet-- have coffee with your friends. Laugh. Feel the iron cage loosen around you. Be the best that you can at what YOU ARE. It is freeing and far less stifling.

Leaves Blossom Even When they are Frostbitten

hold my breath -

this morning i woke up and ALL THREE of my animals vomited within 2 hours of each other.
moshe b/c she has stomach/intestinal cancer and there's nothing really i can do for her but love her and love her and love her until she can't be here anymore.

and i love her. and she's ok. she's not ready to go yet.

and morgan projectile vomited foam - I'M READY FOR MY FUCKING INSULIN NOW NOW NOW. so i got up and gave her some. NOW NOW NOW. Monday morning she goes on her new insulin trial- and I'm terrified that after all this time - I've tweaked and broken every rule and I've made it work - I've MADE the insulin work - against all odds - I've wrangled it to work for her AND THEY FUCKING TOOK VETSULIN OFF THE MARKET. And now she MUST go find a different insulin. fuck. bugger. fuck.

and mercer - he just vomits because he's stressed and over eats because I'm stressed and the entire house is in chaos.

I'm in pain - lots of pain. My throat hurts from the biopsies- and my asshole hurts from the chronic fissure I keep WANTING SO BADLY to go away- but it hasn't - fucking fuck fuck fuck. WHAT THE FUCK. and I'm just sitting here. wondering - what the fuck.

My heart is feeling lighter than air - I'm realizing that live or die - I'm going to be ok. And yet - I don't WANT anymore medical procedures. And I must get them. I'm terrified of taking my cat in - because she is old. And I want to be there holding her if she goes - I don't want her to be in an insulin trial around uncaring strangers at a vet I don't REALLY like if she dies. I'm her mother - and she's been my little girl for 19 fucking years. And I have this fear in my heart that I will abandon her to uncaring fuckers. Only I have loved her this long. She TRUSTS ME. And I fear her death. If she dies - I want it to be her CHOICE - not my doing. Does this make sense? Insulin is such an easy thing to administer - I don't want to kill my little girl.

And I have exploratory shit coming up -- and I'm afraid of that too I suppose. More than I want to admit b/c it's 2 days long. A day of prep and a day of going in. And I'll be under and when I'm under I have to completely trust. And when I am under I often start the procedure out by chanting to myself - "Every hand that touches me helps me heal- every hand that touches me helps me heal." I do it - and I say it - and I pray it over and over and over... And yet- when I wake up- I am fuzzy and confused and I vomit all over. No matter how often and how hard I try. They have already pre-administered anti-nauseas b/c this surgeon and I have worked together before... and I like her and trust her. And - she's already found some shit... and I want her to be steady and find what she needs to find. And I don't want to be hurling on her during the exam - or seizing - so we MUST keep my seizure meds DOWN and me steady and under.

Every hand that touches me helps me heal. Every heart that touches me helps me heal. Every heart that I touch is my own. I get it. I get this life. I get it. I haven't wanted to get it for so long. I have been off this path. I haven't WANTED to be on this path. I get it. I HAVEN'T WANTED TO BE ON THIS PATH. And now I am back on it and I have no choice really. And so be it. So be it. Life is what life is.

Meanwhile - I had a rare opportunity at the new docs - Doc V. She let me flip through my medical file with her - while we discussed some of my options. And something caught my eye. They wrote letters and notes - some typed- some handwritten. And each one said the same thing over and over and over. "Pleasant, sweet, funny- " Each doctor LIKED ME. And I don't know why it mattered so much - except I have had a lifetime of horrific awful doctors who have mistreated me and their insidious notes I'm sure read like I'm a malingerer - "Here to get pain meds -Here for attention"... whatever. But - these notes were from all 11 specialists over the last 3 years. And I just flipped through quickly while we were getting to the bloodwork and recent results - but I SAW their quickly written notes. They were saying NICE THINGS about me. About my personality. I am grateful for that. I needed that.

Lastly- I don't know yet WHAT we're going to do... we're still doing tests. So you can't come up with a treatment plan until you get all your tests done. And therein lies the rub. We don't know what we're going to find. And somedays I'M FINE with that. And somedays I'm fucking terrified. And somedays I just want to sink into the ground.

My friend today- Eva was worried about her weight - and she noticed mine. "We've both gained weight." She noticed.. as we sipped our beverage. And it didnt bother me. I have- over 90 pounds since she's last seen me. And I just wanted to hug her. WHO CARES I wanted to holler. And I wanted to hold her... WHO CARES!!!! I WANTED TO DANCE!!! But I realize that somehow it mattered so much to her. Because if she worries about her weight she cannot worry about anything else - like who Eva really is or what Eva REALLY WANTS. And who am I to judge that. I hate being fat. I really do. I hate that when people see me they don't SEE MELISSA - they see a fattie. I don't like that. I really don't.

But deep inside - I also know - that anyone who takes the time to REALLY KNOW ME - really see Melissa- will see me and know me. And - I also know that I am healing more now. And I am being more honest now that I ever was. And I can admit that my weight and clothes bothers me a bit without it sustaining a presence in my life that CHANGES ME. And as we talked - Eva said, "I feel refreshed." And that made me happy. I did too. I love her. :) And I am glad that MY ENERGY was enough to refresh someone. :)

I love people so much. And I used to only know that I wanted to BE LOVED. But now I realize that BEING LOVED is not the same as BEING LOVING. And without BEING LOVING you are incapable of BEING LOVED. And when my "trick pain" comes up-- that time when I am missing my child-- for this is the time of year - almost to the date when she was lost - I hurt so raw and painfully for her. And I say- yes -- loss - yess - I love you. And my heart thrumms. I feel it. I FEEL THE PAIN. I FEEL IT.

And inside - I feel a change - like I am able to forgive my ex. A new ability. A compassion for him that was never there. I still do not want to talk to him or see him. I don't want to know what he is up to or why he did what he did. But... I realize that without the complete shattering of my life - the smashing of every single ounce of me and my life from 2007 to now - I would not be who I am.

And I NEED TO BE GRATEFUL. I have had a lack of gratitude over the last 3 years. I have had a lack of trust over the last 3 years. I lived in a lot of gratitude and mysticism and faith before then. And then *I* CHANGED. Perhaps it was illness- or fear - or a the business of a marriage.. or any of the things that make up life... but somehow I changed. And only now am I remembering how I used to LISTEN and HEAR and UNDERSTAND the universal stories and beauty. I USED TO KNOW that we all mattered. I used to have a sense of calm fearlessness inside my body- in my heart. I had a sense of magic inside me that the whole world just worked out because it was supposed to work out and that nothing ever "went wrong" because "wrong" was impossible. And that mistakes and bad things and accidents and problems were all just DESIGNS to get us to slow down and make a larger commitment to ourselves.

I really did. It sounds so naive - but I really did think that.

And guess what... You can huff and you can puff and you can push and you can prod - and you have NO CONTROL over when it rains or pours or sleets or snows or hails. It is called and "act of god." And when it slams into your house and shuts off your electricity- you just button up for the night and call it good. You have NOTHING TO DO IT. It is none of your business.

I'm wondering how wrong I was before... or if maybe I needed to be shattered and re-shattered a little - like glass -- so I could look back at the beauty of the scars and the fragments and see the lifelines and faults inside me - and read the history inside myself. I can read my own history like a map. And here is where I made this mistake. And here is where I did that jackassery. Look - what a fool I was!

Look-- I thought I needed a degree to be wise! Look - I wanted a piece of paper to show I was in love! Oh how I thought spending YEARS on research would indicate my intelligence!! And that wisdom was white trash removed from the exterior.... and look how wrong I was!!! I live so closely now to what I was! My economic status is so close to what I grew up in - yet I SPEAK so well now. And no matter HOW MANY DEGREES I'VE OBTAINED - No one of them ever filled me up or made me ok. Only I can be ok in myself. Only I can say, "I'm enough in myself."

Melissa is enough for herself when she looks in the mirror and says, "I love you too!" I could have done that anytime along the way. And it took till now! The degrees and education have NOTHING to do with it! yet- I STILL want to be a professor because I LOVE teaching and I LOVE students and I love writing... I love people just that much. But - no one GIVES YOU importance. No one MAKES YOU FEEL good about yourself.

And I'm sure I heard this a thousand times in my life. And my ears were closed. I was the beggar who tripped over a bag of gold. I just wasn't ready for the riches that life has to offer yet. I was not ready to accept the wealth inside myself. I was not ready to give the world all of who I am. And now - I am.

And with that - I might even still find out I'm riddled with sick. And there would be a sonic fuck ton of irony. And you'd be allowed to laugh at it. "It took her WHOLE LIFE to figure it out - don't be like her!" And I'd let you! Don't be like her!

I'm going to live and do my best to thrive. I'm just letting you know. I'm going to make the wisest choices I know how and surround myself with as much love and laughter and goodness as I can. And I'm reaching out - with my hand - and touching back. I'm seeing YOU. We're all in this together. We all matter.

You matter. Every one of us matters.

The leaves fall. All life is loss. And loss is painful. And it hurts to start growing again. But we do. And then the leaves bloom. And sometimes we even make beautiful flowers. And then - in the fall- we dry up and fall off again. And it is a barren winter... and ... loss is part of life..

Cancer vs. Auto-immune Illnesses?

Been feeling a little conflicted lately... haven't gotten any DEFINITIVE news... not the kind where you can start DOING something... It's the worst place actually... Like that calm still oppressiveness right before the world bellows and the sky splits and thunder breaks the windows... the coming plague of hail pops all over the yard.....

that stillness is where I am... except not really... in between doctors visits, biopsies and tests and scans... and they are all each of them invasive in their own way. So much so that each feels like a tiny little rape - just a small one. I could write about one and get over it. We've all had ONE or two... we can shake off the odd filling or scope here... we've ALL HAD a biopsy here or a needle poking into us there. But lately every day, three to four times a week, and sometimes even twice in a day I've been going from doctor to office watching them open me up and slice parts of me out or slip things inside me...

Some I'm under, some I'm not. And all the while - I'm sick. I feel sick. I have gallstones, I have this and that and the other. I wrangle diseases and I have a MAP of when to take my medications because the pharmacist made it for me... because it was complex. I have to get up in the morning and take a medication on an empty stomach, then I take another pill on an empty stomach, then 30 minutes later I MUST EAT and take another fist full of medicine... and then 3 hours later I MUST TAKE ON EMPTY STOMACH more medications... AND so the day goes. It's the most fucked up rigid thing. I have a map - like a diagram of CEO flow chart of who's who of when to put things in my body.

And the worst is that some days I'm so sick I have to FIRST take some anti nausea meds to even deal with taking my first "with empty stomach" meds. And it fucking sucks...

And I have these wonderful supportive people online... but something I've become increasingly aware of is this.

With cancer you KNOW you will beat it and your fear is that you won't. BOOM. Black or white. You will win or you won't. But you will probably win. They have cures and treatments for it. You also live with this nagging fear that it will come back somewhere else... and that's my deal... every fucking biopsy is, fuck fuck fuck - what's this in my throat, esophagus, thyroid, big left toe... every stray hair for me IS CANCER. It just is. Every brush against my cheek IS CANCER. And every "abnormal finding" they find feels like a june bug in my hair -- GAHHHH GET IT OUT GET IT OUT... I want to shriek and pull out everything.

I WANT TO SCRATCH EVERY LAST ABNORMAL CELL OUT OF MY BODY... blahhhhh. Get it outttt. I had this reaction back when I was "only" getting discoid lupus and I had all these raised bumps all over my body - I hated it... and they were turning cancerous and they were giving me sulferous chemo washes for my body and face and I just wanted to power scrub them off my body just to speed up the process. GET IT OFFFF.

That's what cancer feels like (to me). It's not supposed to be there. GET IT OUT OFF OFF OFF OUT OUT OUT. blahhhhhh. Sick feeling - desperate feeling - we have technology for it - laser that shit out - now now now now now.

And with lupus and other autoimmune illnesses (even common ones like thyroid autoimmune diseases) no such thing. You will NOT ever ever ever "beat it." You are told over and over that you will HAVE IT for ever. You will simply learn to live with it - like a pet dog... and you learn how to roll with it. You will learn who you are through it and you will learn how to not flare it. Stay out of the sun, don't stress, get your exercise, meditate, do yoga, laugh, be kind, be zen, take your medications, listen to the experts, BE THE EXPERT, ignore everyone else, have support, BE THE SUPPORT... you name it - auto-immunity becomes your life because it takes away so much of your life...

And it is so different from cancer because YOU WILL NEVER WALK AWAY FROM IT. It becomes part of you. You will never celebrate your remission from it. You just won't. So you have to learn to become who you are with your illness - and for everything your illness takes from you - you learn who you are instead.

When I couldn't have a baby- I began volunteering at the children's hospital and nursing homes... I teach at the university.. I do comedy. For every sport I lost to the illnesses I picked up a new hobby and new sport.. I stopped playing ice hockey and roller blading, I stopped doing everything till now I barely do anything at all... and only do the lightest yoga and some bare moving when I can... knowing that HOPEFULLY this flare will pass... hopefully this isnt the end - it's just a BAD MOTHER FUCKER OF A FLARE...

I pick up and put down all my hobbies and do them when I can... but with cancer - you just go back to your life when your done... because YOU GO INTO REMISSION or you die. That's it. I realize there are grey areas and that you can have the treatable's where you never get over it and you basically stay in treatment stage till you die... but my point is-- my friends with cancer don't stay in my support groups forever and ever the way my friends with auto-immune illnesses do... because they get better- they get off chemo, they get through radiation. Their healing days are numbered and then they MOVE ON. They have a limited number of days on the schedule till it turns into something they WENT THROUGH.

And here's a dirty little secret- the end stages of lupus - the sad stages that came early for me... - AND MORE THAN LIKELY- over your life - you will get cancer because of the treatments. They don't tell you that - but the end of stage treatments generally give you cancer. BOOM.

Enjoy.

So...

I have this complexity inside me... where I'm on both fences - doing BOTH right now - hurting and healing and dealing and struggling... and dealing with all the bullshit that both bring you... and I'm not playing the "this illness is worse" game...

Because being sick sucks. Period. I'm just making a mental note about how they are different and how they are similar... On one hand - with lupus and auto-immune illnesses - you learn to just roll-tide... you learn to accept the massive amounts of sickness that tidal wave over you... because on one hand - you KNOW it will flare and get better, you know your head will pop back up. You'll get a breath. You won't FEEL THIS BAD for long. Moment by moment you can handle anything...

And with cancer you can just go to your treatments and each one is numbered. You know you have to have so many blood tests and so many treatments and so many infusions and so many of everything. They have dates and are scheduled in and they go pretty much like clock work. Things are regular. And the only unknown is how your body will react. The betrayal you feel is FAST and you deal with the anger at the cancer BOOM fast and you deal with the disease BOOM FAST and the life change BOOM FAST. And every one KNOWS about cancer and hates it. BOOM. And everyone cooes over you... and then - you either get better or die. *dusts hands* And then for the next few years your head spins and you look back on it and live with the realization and you are in remission... and HOLY FUCK.

And you will have a sonic ton of post chemo shit happen- but people will expect you to pull your shit together and get on with it... or die. And they will expect it to be neat and tidy... and so you'd best get a therapist and hurry on with it. Because people don't like long drawn out illness...

So cancer is NOT an easy disease to have for a long time... Healthy people get impatient with illness and with people who don't make progress with illness.

and this is where you are better off to have a few friends with things like MS or Parkinsons or Lupus or other auto-immune illnesses. We'll scoop you up and hang with you when you feel tired and fatigued and unsure... we will understand the scores of little aches and pains that remain and the dizzying emotions you feel post remission...

and you WILL HAVE THEM.


Meanwhile... I'm still unsure of what the fuck I'm going through. I hesitate to twitter too much about what I'm doing with the biopsies... what the fuck is going on? I don't want to make too much of things if there is nothing... yet WHY is every doctor under the sun cutting me open and delving into me racking up more bills when I AM FRESH OUT OF MONEY?????

And - I have no news -- they're letting me know later... and I'm waiting... And I keep watching and they keep calling me back in... I've had 3 weeks of biopsies and tests and ultrasounds. And more tests. yes - we need to do more more more more. I want to scope that. I want to see that under the operating table.

And then the easy-peasy tests - the ones I've been putting off FOR EVER that just dont go away... I still need those too - and they aren't cancer at all -just annoying stupid I'm sitting on an inflatable donut b/c dammit yes this stupid anal fissure still isn't healed up ok....

ugh... gah.

anyway...

I'm confused. And afraid. And scared. And I don't want to get too worked up if the last 3 weeks and next week and a half of intensive biopsies and scoping and explanatory surgery is for nothing. But I'm still afraid - b/c the last 3 years have proven to me that the worst case scenario DOES sometimes happen.

GET THE JUNE BUG OUT OF MY HAIR... GET IT OUT. GET IT OUTTTT.

The part of me that rolls with daily sickness cannot roll with as easily with cancery stuff as well. It's odd but true.

To Melissa - From Your Body

Dear Melissa -
this is your body speaking.

can we have some more banana popsicles.

those taste happy on our tongue.

as to the rest. we're pretending it isn't happening.

please stop reminding us. also- we love you too.

love,
every cell that isn't being billy clubbed by the other cells.

Black Hole Diseases

Dear body - I can only fathom how every cell of you must feel. I'm outside looking in and I'm feeling overwhelmed at the black hole of disease collapsing in on us from every angle.

Every day we come back from this biopsy, that scan, an ultrasound here, there a test result here a test result every where a gold egg of opportunity for someone - anyone - to tell us good news. And I know that once in a while we slack off and cancel a few because it's just so fucking overwhelming. Because REALLY- are things going to get THAT MUCH WORSE over just a few weeks?

REALLY??

I mean - the doc said my anal fissure would heal up on its own... and it DID NOT. So now I have words like - "we need to snip that puppy open and let it re heal" - or whatever the fuck the doc said it means the SAME SHIT running around in my head. AND I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want anyone cutting anywhere near my asshole. Yes- it's a 2 way street if you play nice and use lube-- but NO... NO SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS WITHOUT A SAFE WORD. no no no no no. NO. This is called NON-CONSENTING ADULT. no. please no?

DO. NOT. WANT.

*projectile crying.

I'm over it.

I'm over finding out bullshit reports and scans... I'm over hearing that it will PROBABLY BE OK and then 2 months later be sucking down the next chemo cocktail du jour. NO-- IT'S NOT OK. I KEEP FIND OUT THAT THIS BULLSHIT IS NOT OK.

When the fuck has it ever been.

I keep closing my eyes and trying to remember a time when life HAS been ok. I try to remember a time when I felt IN CHARGE of my own healing and my own health... I remember using Louise Hay affirmations and TRULY BELIEVING that I could heal my own life and body... just like that.

And now-- NOW I realize it is more of a metaphor.. Like... I can release old dark hidden beliefs and forgive and have love... but sometimes - sometimes sickness happens. And sometimes doctors will lift up the hood on your body and pull out the monkey wrenches and tinker around in there and pretty soon an entire clown car will pull up and stuff themselves in there and the doctor will just close the hood back up and ignore the clowns - because they aren't causing you anymore damage in there than what the doctor ACTUALLY FOUND.

I'm half freaking out - half upset - half alone.... And I realize that LIFE is spent connecting - loving - loving as a habit- just LOVING PEOPLE... not expecting or demanding to be loved... just letting people love us and loving... loving people because we all deserve to love and be loved... we all deserve to forgive and be forgiven... it is MY DIVINE RIGHT to be a human and have this human experience... and it is no more my fault right now that this is happening and WHY NOT ME... WHY NOT ME???

This could just as easily be happening to me than NOT... But I don't like it. I DON'T LIKE IT. I don't like driving home in a stupor with more bad news... and feeling already in pain - with my body aching and feeling sick and tired - and not knowing WHAT is causing all these feelings- is it WHICH DISEASE AGAIN?????? I have more specialists on than I have friends in my cell phone who could take me to them in an emergency. I swear this to be true.

And it is soul crushing right now.

And - I just got turned down for "extra help" from Medicare because at the HEFTY sum of $8900 of annual income last year my income was "too high" to qualify for special medical help from my government to help pay for my medical bills. Thank you very much.

I have no idea. I really don't. All I know is that my medical bills are sitting in a pile and will remain unpaid a little longer. Sorry doctors. I love you - I just don't have the money to pay you right now.

Words, Failure, Pain, Healing

"Our thoughts are with you and your family during this time of grief.
What a sad time for your entire family.
Please accept my deepest regrets for your loss."

Oh we know how to make words for collective loss. A friend and I were just discussing how we come together for big losses and help each other out. And we know the right words to say for life changes - "regrets" for when you die, and "congratulations" for when you're born and Mozel and Tovs for when you marry off and all the in betweens in life we have the right words. WORDS.

But they fail us and we fail each other when we have individual "personal" problems. Illness, rape, abuses... these horrors are little deaths - we leave people struggle alone with them...

I just read the most horrifying poem written to a mother -- it contained villainous deeds of a mother to her daughter... and I am struggling b/c a STUPID BOY doesn't like me the way I WANT TO BE LIKED. And yet that STUPID BOY was treated much the same way this beautiful heroic struggling woman was treated... abused abandoned - thrown away like trash...

And oh my god-- I only react because like attracts like... we KNOW what it's like to yearn for love... to yearn for understanding... to want to heal others and ourselves... to heal those parts of ourselves that are terrified and terrifying... left hidden, traumatized, horrified, buried under the tarp, hiding from anyone and anything that would ever ever ever question us. Trembling at love, comfort, pain... like a dog who gets petted and so acts just as annoying as when it gets beaten - because it has never been treated well...

And look at how the entire human race has been collectively torn apart - and NOT HEALED AND HEALING. And yet-- just like that - we have the power to love and heal each other... with our words, our love, our attention, our kindness. I struggle sometimes to rip myself away from myself ... to STOP being such a self-absorbed whiner and look outside myself. Realize that we all want love and peace and understanding. We all want the pain to stop. And we are ALL HURTING.

EVERY LAST ONE OF US IS HURTING. Some of us are just so numb we can't even tell anymore.

And I work so hard to keep on, keep on, keep on. I say my prayers, not minding if it is contradictory to pray for healing when I am sometimes angry at my own pain and if I also know that some of the pain I am feeling is my own healing... because truly- ultimately - our own death is our own healing... and as I learn and grow - I heal more... and die more... life hands us our lessons and our death is our GIFT. And yet I often look at it as a PUNISHMENT because that is what it FEELS LIKE TO ME.

And I sit here in misery so often. I just do.

It's not funny so often. And yet I am funny too... sometimes I am. And I wrap up inside myself and say, "Just be yourself Melissa -just be yourself." There is no truer truth that the Melissa that is inside... there is no truer Truth than the Melissa that is inside.

The greatest gift we can give is to be all of who we are. I know this. I know this and sometimes I fear it. And sometimes I resent it. And sometimes I embrace it. And sometimes I forget it. And sometimes I hide from it. And others, like now - I do all of them at once, depending on what it is we speak of.

I'm terrified of my own health and of being sick and of the pain and yet I do it every day... I am terrified of other people's pain and their losses and their hurting. I want to make it all better... and want to heal the world with my embracing arms... and want to love and be loved deeply and lovingly... and yet-- I know that it is all in good time... we give and receive as it is ours to do...

Life hands us moments and we use them.. sometimes we fuck them up beyond all recognition and Life has to say, "what the fuck was that?" And unravel it all and say, "Start over please." And sometimes there are no do-overs. Sometimes there are great losses and great joys and we just have to hold them in our hearts and learn from them and have gratitude for them... and FORGIVE THEM.

I'm working on it. I really am.

There is so much talent in the world. So much. And pain. and loss. and suffering. and areas for us to add where we might.

or walk away. and ignore it.

everything is a choice... and we pick them as we go.

we can heal ourselves and the world a little at a time too. i believe this... even if it doesn't look like "healing" the way we think of it... and THAT is where my own frustration comes in. just b/c my body is falling apart at the seams doesn't mean that i'm not healing from the bitterness and anger that i have held inside ... and i suppose THAT is what i'm learning to do.

i truly wonder if all of that will ever stop me from missing and mourning the loss of my child? it is coming upon that date... i guess maybe this time of year is hard for me... maybe that is why all the tears right now.

i would have NEVER been an abusive mother. and i am sad that i will never have the chance to show it.

I'm Not a Waste - I'm Writing a Bedtime Story (for the family i'll never have)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pyp34v6Lmcc&a=7YlTMNhNWCU&playnext_from=ML&playnext=7

song of the day

I'm feeling a little less blue I guess...

Been writing a "bed time story." I guess for no one in particular...oh that is a lie- someone sparked it initially. I did the rest for fun. I did it for fantasy. I did it because writers write... And I did it because I miss the life I don't have. I miss that I have no one to tuck in at night - no children to tell a bedtime story to - no one to pull the covers over - except my cat - who does love it! I miss making up a story, night after night- and telling the saga, adding to it a little at a night, maybe telling the story over and over, tweaking it- but adding more facts and names and places - rounding out characters.

I miss having a "normal life." Though I will be the first to confess - I bridled under normalcy as a kid - I hated normal... I hated everything that was "typical and normal" about me...

I washed away everything that smacked of poverty or difference... I hated that about myself - though now I like it- but you know how kids are... I just wanted a car that didn't have 4 different door colors and no paint and wasn't up on blocks... - I scrubbed away at my mispronunciations and low class accent till it's mostly gone- under the guise of oddball midwestern and just weird stuff... I still get the occasional "fix" -- and people will laugh at me... and mostly - they are just words I have never HEARD in real life - but only READ - which is why I don't know how to pronounce it.. and that's a true fact.

I never thought I'd be able to embrace difference the way I do now... now I just see it as different.

And now - I'm making up this story because I want someone. I want a real someone - someone who CARES about me... someone who would make a good life - and enjoy sex and be happy with me - and comfort me when I was sad and let me be down or sad too... someone who wouldn't mind when I was feeling in a funk or take it personally on days like today - when I'm just feeling contradictory-- where I'm horny as fuck - and want to have mad amounts of sex - and cry too... because nothing in life is going right.

I'm aching and hurting and ouch... and I'm not taking pain meds because they make me sick.. and fuck -- right... I'm off the meds that make me vomit so I'm eating more now... so YIKES... I hope my metabolism kicks up to meet it - b/c I sure don't need the weight gain!

Meanwhile - the human race still exists. We keep populating ourselves... and we do so clearly without the need for commitment or love or life long companionship...

A woman I know from twitter just wrote that if she could have any wish she'd have her life with no cancer... and I just broke down... b/c I cannot fathom my life with no illness -- because if I do I cannot breathe... I cannot sustain my heart -- it splits in two... I get a perfect vision of me - with children and a husband and a family - and a career.. and it's not all perfect - but it isn't like THIS. It is so hard for me to recognize that THIS MELISSA--- this person I am -- is not a big faker- a crazy ball -- THIS IS REAL SHIT... I have a bag of blood tests and they take them every two weeks -- and doctors don't do shit like that if you're just being silly...

It's so hard for me to realize that MY IDENTITY- THE WOMAN I AM--- is sooooo much more than "just a sick woman." But -- being sick has affected my life. I don't want to be sick... but I deal with it the best I can. I don't like it. I don't want it... but - I am her. And I need love. I need compassion. And I always have. I have been dismissed and called a drama queen... and toxic... treated like burden FOR SOOO LONG.

And I don't know what it would be LIKE to go back to "healthy"... I don't know if I could treat people with the same nonchalant trust anymore... because I am so tender now... I have too much compassion for the ill and the misfortunate... I could never go back to just living - like a happy go lucky healthy person... though I would LOVE TO BE HEALTHY... from the tips of my hair the the bottoms of the toes I would LOVE TO BE HEALTHY ALL OVER... And yet-- healthy to me doesn't mean ignorant of the rest of the world or how people live... or turning a blind eye to the rest of the world..

I always like Max Weber... and how he was so bipolar... and so successful anyway... and his wife and he had such a strange sex life and that was ok too... and how he talked about the iron cage of modernity-- and the more you STRUGGLE to break out of it the more it would grip you and strange you - but if you just relax and don't fight it- but have coffee with your friends, and focus on your life and what you enjoy- and ignore the modernity around you - (not be ignorant of it - just IGNORE IT) then the modernity would losen its grips.

And that is always how I have seen art and sex and love and music.. I have always seen surrender that way too -- when I become very clear and surrender so much of my DESIRES for a perfect life and just let it go - how I sort of feel lighter... and I know that others would never have picked this life...

Meanwhile-- what happens when? What happens when life happens anyway and the life we were SUPPOSED TO HAVE never happens and all the things that were never supposed to be come down... when the fairy tails flip inside out and become nightmares and take on lives of their own and we must march on anyway- because that is out job... and we know that THIS LIFE is just a life - asked for or not... burden or not, drama queen or not... pain or not...

I'm writing a bed time story anyway- because I would have done it before - and I can still write... and maybe even better now- because I have less to distract me... and perhaps my children are even more beautiful to me now than they ever would have been because they were never born... and maybe the lover I don't have is more precious me because he is not in my arms -- and the garden I do not tend blooms even more beautiful in my dreams... maybe my life is bigger now than it ever would have been. Who knows. Sometimes when you give someone everything - they don't try... and when you take everything away from someone - they spend their entire life proving they aren't a waste after all.

Life is Giving Me the Blues

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdTvDQnCqrg

Life isn't working the way I want... It just isn't.
Even when it is working the way I EXPECT it to work - or that I've been TOLD it will work - or when I wrangle it into working a certain way- it's NOT the way I WANT it to work...

I'm not in the place I want. I'm not. And I cannot fathom ever BEING in a place where I will ever truly BE again. And yet I must just make it happen day after day. Plod plod plod.

Or gnash of teeth gnash gnash gnash.

Or crying.. cry cry cry.

Or whine whine whine.

And what of it. What then?

Life isn't working. The place is a mess. I'm in various pains- some more acute and some more chronic... I have issues- some more life threatening and some less... and I could tell you ALLLLL about them - ad nauseam - I could tell you every appointment - I could list them out like a scroll that coasts across the floor... and to what end.

I so don't want to move to Ohio. And I don't want to be sick. And I don't want to live like this - without money. I don't want to not have my dissertation done. And I don't want anything that life has handed me so far... I have to suck it up... I just have to... but right now is time for a vent.

This is part of it. Part of coping is just DEALING with the pain and processing through it.

I am sad that friends come through Atlanta and don't stop by and visit anymore when I used to get top billing... I know I'm *boring* now... they were only 2 miles from my house... hell - I would have TRIED to meet them out even if they had called me... but they didn't. They flew in from out of state and they didn't even bother CALLING ME... and they don't even try to hide it... and I TRY not to take it personally... b/c I know it's not... it's just-- overlooked... the sick people become the invisible.

If you are not CRAZY then you become INVISIBLE. You become second class - the dregs.

If you speak out about it then you become cranky and cantankerous and bitchy and no one wants your company anyway... and this is where the notion that disabled people are litigious came from... when really- they aren't... they are just self-advocating. If they weren't overlooked and 2nd class (or 3rd, or 4th) in the beginning it wouldn't have to happen....

Meanwhile - I'm feeling low. And I'm sad and I'm tired and I don't feel well. And I'm nervous about any number of tests and results and exams and moves...

I want my life. And even if I cannot have my former life - I at least want to create MY LIFE -- MELISSA'S LIFE.. not have some shamble of a life cobbled together with everyone else's hand me down - cast offs...

I am frustrated...

I'm tired of being told I'm cute without having it mean anything sexual.. and knowing that it will NEVER BE anything more. And tired of wanting to feel more sexual - and then realizing that I'm more in pain than I am horny... and then being horny- and then realizing that in that moment- I'm more worried and nervous about my future - so I just can't.."get it up."

And - I'm trying to "flow with it" and not be stressy.... and I'm trying to just live my life and let it author itself while I co-create it... not be so "fussy"... be full of love ... know that no matter how much or little I worry about medical tests - the results will come back THE SAME.

I'm workin on not feeling DOWN and sad and low. I'm not sharing as much of it as I could b/c I have "paid professionals" that I give it to.. and maybe that's my fault... maybe I could and should reach out more... but I don't want to ostracize people... I'm afraid if I have too many needs they will go away... I cannot handle that... I would rather suffer with a smile than tell people how badly I need held and hugged and not get it...

And so I say NOTHING REALLY...

There has to be a happy medium between a negative complainer and a fake happy chipper... I have to find it... I must... I must find the real honesty... bc what I'm feeling now is neither endpoint... I just feel stricken, afraid, and heartsick.

On Toxic People, On Difficult Situations, And On Responsibility - LIFE HAPPENS - Grow Up!

So - I said I was going to write about the idea of "avoiding the unhappy and the unlucky"... a response to this article: http://www.ridiculouslyextraordinary.com/avoid-the-unhappy-and-unlucky

And Now I am.

I guess this is not exactly a response to this exact article because there is nothing wrong with this article written by Karol Gajda and then re-tweeted by one of my personal favorites, Everett Bogue, author of "The Art of Being Minimalist."

Gajda describes getting the idea for his article from "The Absolute Idiot’s Guide To Inspiration" where there is advice that says, “If there is someone in your life who brings you down or stifles your creativity, break ties with them immediately. It doesn’t matter who they are. They’re toxic and they don’t deserve you.”

OK -- here's where I'm going to just STOP... back up... THINK ABOUT THIS FOR ONE MOMENT. If you are a parent and your 3 year old needs their diaper changed, I PROMISE YOU that will both stifle your creativity and annoy the holy living fuck out of you. The poop is toxic to you physically and draining to your energy. Getting up to play with them, nurture them, and have NO PERSONAL TIME EVER EVER EVER as you cater to their every self-absorbed demand is draining and soul sucking. And they have NO CLUE. They are INNOCENTS. And what is more -- YOU PICKED THIS. You made the choice to have this child. BOOM. Suck it up mother fuckers. And deal.

Same goes for many many many circumstances. Your parents will nag you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Often it is out of LOVE.

You CAN engage in things called BOUNDARIES. You can say, "Hi - I love you. Step the fuck off my back door. I am living the best life I know you." But you DO NOT cut family out of your life without GREAT thought and attention. And hopefully without counseling from therapists or ministers (or whoever you use as a guide).. b/c cutting out family is probably MORE unhealthy than moving on from them.

Now-- in the case of rape or physical abuse or even HORRIBLE mental and emotional abuse- there ARE circumstances where I can understand removing yourself or your children. Don't let me ignore that. If THAT is why you are removing yourself from the toxic situation -- you STILL need to surround yourself by FAMILY OF CHOICE. You still need a life - a healthy one. Period. You need to do your best to make it THROUGH relationships and come out on the other side through FORGIVENESS.

I'm NOT saying ignore the boundaries that are breached -- I'm saying, make room for forgiveness.

Now..... about the friends in your life who people label toxic. YES. I get this... I get THAT is the ultimate point of this article... but you see that the original inspiration -- the person who stifles creativity isn't necessarily toxic. Perhaps they are your elderly grandmother or parent or child. Your spouse. Perhaps, like me, they are ill. I respond VERY much to this as my ex THREW ME AWAY within two years of me becoming ill. Hell - ONE YEAR of illness and he was cheating, two years of illness and he was OUT THE DOOR and let me know he had already filed for divorce. Period. I got home from the hospital and he had cancelled our anniversary tickets to Scotland. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I obviously - OBVIOUSLY have a personal - VERY PERSONAL response to people who label others toxic.

I have lost more than half of my "friends" to this illness... and what's more - I have gained new friends - powerful beautiful amazing new friends - STRONG MEN AND WOMEN... I love them and see them as far more giving to me than ever I had in my life. My former "friends" were only in my life because I was "fun". I made people laugh. I never had "needs"... I was just some sassy hilarious person... Yes - I'm a comedian. Yes I'm passionate. Yes I do improv...

But when the chips were down, my "sisters" were angry that I was unable to show up to our "sister night" even though I was in the hospital... they simply cast me out. My friends one by one fell by the way side. In the end- our mutual friends chose my ex husband BECAUSE he was MORE FUN. He was healthy- sexy - fun. He bought a motorcycle and wrecked it and fixed it and raced it around town with women clinging to his back. Melissa- she got chemo and lived alone and introspected and fought to make meaning of a life lossed.

Which one do you think was toxic?

At first glance EVERYONE thought it was me.

At second glance everyone thought it was me.

At third glance I no longer care.

My point is this. I am living a richer life now. I have PULLED MEANING OUT OF THIN AIR by asking god, by asking for life. By CHOOSING LIFE. By acceptings hugs when they were offered. By giving hugs when I thought they were needed. By crying real tears when I needed to cry. I have poured out my heart into my remaining friends and LOVED THEM. I have had gratitude for the life I had left - though it was skeleton thin. I have embraced my community - and I have lived the VERY BEST LIFE I KNOW HOW.

Though I have had little left of myself I have TRIED my very best.

And - sometimes I have been angry. Sometimes I have fucked up beyond all reckoning. And sometimes I have fought with my friends. And sometimes we have made up - and sometimes old friendships have been severed. But even to this day I don't consider those people "toxic" so much as not good fits for me at the time or me for them.

Meanwhile-- SOME TIMES there are people in life who are NOT in a place where they are good fits for us. The puzzle pieces don't work out. What I want and what they want simply don't fit. I can try to put love in their direction and accept love from them but somehow it doesn't work out.

I have noticed more and more - that sick people are AUTOMATICALLY considered "toxic" as are all misfortunate people... and THIS is why Gajda's article upset me. Not all people who experience loss are necessarily lost. Part of life is loss - just as it is growth. Part of life is generosity and moving beyond our limiting circumstances.. and part of it is compassion and encouragement...

Meanwhile-- the minimalist movement is something I LOVE. I hold it dear because it is time we all do with less and without shame. It is time for us to embrace who we are without feeling the need to consume to hide our fears or our resentments or our shame. Long have we shopped and been told who we are by BRANDS AND CORPORATIONS... Meanwhile - during my time of illness and divorce - I have had very little money. While I was living off my graduate fellowship and writing my dissertation, I had to accept help from my parents to pay for my COBRA insurance and I had to learn not to shop. I had to learn to tell my friends I couldn't go out or if I did it was just to keep them company. I learned to ask for favors - like, "I can only afford half of your fee, can you lower your price for me, I'm in grad school."

I learned HUMILITY in a way that I NEVER had to have when I had a double income and a good job. See -- this was a GREAT GIFT that being sick and divorced gave me. How is that toxic? IT ISN'T. Yet- many many of my still married healthy friends see it as a GREAT WEAKNESS OF MY CHARACTER.

So do you see how "toxic" is in the eyes of the beholder?

Meanwhile -- of course if you have people who pull you down or constantly criticize you -- you need to have boundaries and check inside.

But -- Karol Gajda- and everyone out there -- I encourage you to do something big - BIG AND GROWN UP-- something I have been doing for a while now... before ending relationships-- talk to the person. Tell them what is happening for you. Tell them you've been feeling weird around them... stifled, or dismissed, or used.... TELL THEM EVEN IF IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE - or if it makes them hurt or angry.

Be BRAVE ENOUGH to be with feelings and emotions that make you (and them) uncomfortable. What if they tell you something about their life that shocks you... Or what if they tell you they are relived b/c they feel the same about you? Or what if they simply say, "thanks- I feel the same."

How much more courage you have if you FACE IT than simple cut people out. YOU CAN HAVE REAL RELATIONSHIPS - the grown up way to have it out with people.

And OF COURSE -- I'm all a huge fan of the other parts of your article... making new healthy friendships... this is what I'm talking about - how my new life is full of my support groups for cancer and lupus and thyroid issues. Least you think that my illness defines me - IT DOES NOT. I am a woman who is intelligent and capable and whole inside- but I have illnesses that are here in my body. I did not choose them - but they are here. Like rain or snow... and I MUST CHOOSE to surround myself with other beautiful strong men and women who are educated and powerful - we talk about good diets and medications and exercises - physicians. And rather than bitch and moan or be toxic- we simply understand that healthy people cannot FATHOM what it is like to have a life long illness. You can't. You never will. But we know what it is like to be healthy. And WE MUST COME TO GRIPS WITH THE LOSS OF OUR FORMER HEALTHY LIVES... we must let go of bitterness. We must CHOOSE not to be toxic. We must choose to be productive and full of love and full of good lives even if we lose our shit once in a while.... EVEN IF *YOU* CALL US TOXIC AND RUN AWAY....

Every day of our lives people who know us will want to call us names. "You are strong." "You are a whiner." "You are toxic." "You are brave." "You are not trying hard enough." "You are so amazing - I would have killed myself already."

But every day we have only the choice to live or not - just like you. To be positive or negative or not - just like you. To be a good human or not - just like you.

Soo-- least you cut every "toxic" person from your life - consider first if they are simply INCONVENIENT to you... and then ask yourself if this is a RESPONSIBILITY that you have already taken on. Is this your parent or your grandparent, your family, your child, your wife or husband, your pet? If it is- THEN SUCK IT UP AND DO YOUR DUTY!

Consider if this is a truly bad friendship -- and if it is- sit down with your friend and tell them what you've been thinking and let them talk too ... there is no need for a fight, but tears are ok. If they don't try to talk to you - but let you walk away (this has happened to me many times) THEN THEY DON'T WANT YOUR FRIENDSHIP ANYWAY... LET THEM GO. You have saved yourself an enormous amount of work. People who DESERVE your love and friendship deserve all of it. Don't be half assed in life... Be all or nothing.

Be willing to forgive people their weaknesses. I have a friend who is bipolar and I love her deeply. She has MANY times come through for me when I have been sick and in the hospital. She has brought me food and she has taken care of my animals... yet - she is also chemically unstable. There are times when she tries my patience and I have to tell her that she is acting manic and needs to talk to her psychiatrist about her medication. But during those times when her medication isn't right and her lithium is too low.. SHE IS A PILL. It would be SOOOOOO easy to just cut her out of my life wouldn't it. But what kind of jerk would I be? She wants to be bipolar about as much as I want to be sick. She never picked it. And she tries hard. She takes her medication every day- she follows every appt and goes to her therapy. I am no bad friend. If I love you - I will be loyal to you. But- I HAVE BOUNDARIES WITH HER. When she is being "crazy" I won't let her around me and make her go to her doctors to adjust her medication before I let her over here... I do it out of love and because BOUNDARIES are ok.

You don't have to let people walk all over you or hurt you. Boundaries are good things. Boundaries say, "I only have 5 minutes today to tell me about how sad you are." when you yourself are having a difficult day. Or boundaries say, "I cannot drive you to any appointments this week because I'm having a low energy time. BOUNDARIES tell people exactly what you can and cannot do or will accept from them.

I once told a guy who I loved very much -- How much I LOVED his compassion and his friendship... but he stood me up and cancelled plans with me consistently for no good reason on a weekly basis. It hurt my feelings and it damaged how I felt about him. Finally- I made a promise to myself. And I also TOLD HIM... and each week, rather than say, "I'm sorry Melissa." He would make excuses- which means to me - he was not attending to MY FEELINGS." And finally, I made a promise to myself -- THIS IS IT. I made it clear that I was going through an especially difficult time - with horrible medical news, and family medical difficulties and financial crisis -- and while I didn't want to take it out on him -- I didn't want him to make it worse by canceling plans. I was especially clear with him. I said, "I love spending time with you." And he said, "I like spending time with you too." And I said, "When you cancel plans with me for little reason or at the last minute - it hurts my feelings and makes me feel diminished - ESPECIALLY right now - when things are going rough for me - I tend to blow it more out of proportion- but even so - I wouldn't like it ever."

That weekend, like clockwork - he cancelled on me. And I took it as my cue to cut him loose. And he was angry. And he didn't like it. And HE acted like I was being "toxic" and ridiculous. But I knew that *I* was saving myself a lifetime of "friendship" with someone who couldn't or wouldn't listen to me or care for me in the way that I needed. I would have been better to make NO PLANS AT ALL than to cancel at the last minute repeatedly over and over and over...

So-- this thing you call toxic-- yes-- it happens... But I think it is not so cut and dry as you think.

And I also think the ways you "end friendship" is much more... selfish than you wish. I don't know how old you are. I am 36 and don't have all the answers but I like being direct with people.

I like to tell people I like them and like spending time with them. I like to encourage people to write if they are writers... I like to see people succeed... It is the professor in me. I am a people person... I am an extrovert and NOT subtle. We all have our own style.

But -- sneaking off and simply ending things with no explanation is selfish and cowardly and not at all grown up.

So there. That is what I have to say about that.

Yes - there are situations in life that are bad. And bad things happen to people. But I daresay that there are fewer "toxic" people out there than you think. Most "toxic" people I know have been healthy people who have chosen to live in a spiral of fear and shame and then resent people who try to lift others up. And YES - it does happen. I'm not saying it doesn't. And I'm willing to protect myself from them and so should you!!!

And those are my thoughts for now. And I welcome any others.