Becoming More Beautiful

"When the Japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." ~Barbara Bloom

Last year I was in a neuro psych's office working on some cognitive shite and she said to me, "you seem good today." And I replied, "I'm allowed to have a good day." And she smiled and nodded.

It is important for me to remember that I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE A GOOD DAY. Every day doesn't have to be shitty. Every thing in my life doesn't have to be awful. I'm allowed to have fun. I'm allowed to celebrate. I'm allowed to laugh and tell jokes and volunteer my time. I'm allowed to suck up as much pain as I need to to have a NORMAL LIFE FOR ME. I'm allowed to have a good day.

Meanwhile - I'm writing this because I have a good endo now. I like her a lot. I like her entire staff. This is cool because I have many specialists I adore and I was REALLY hating my former endo. He just wasn't figuring shit out AND I felt like I was doing all the work AND he wasn't getting any clear diagnoses and I was floundering with no clear treatment plan.

So - good - I have a plan of action and I have a set treatment plan. And I can go back on some of my immunosuppressant drugs, which will help my health and pain flares. AND some of my moods are surely related to the hormonal issues which will soon be regulated. In six months, we'll recheck with another MRI and see if there are any changes. If not, surgery is always an option. So - I feel good. I feel safe. I feel like things are underway.

Life feels handled again. I'm generally in control, of at least knowing what's going on. I HATED not being aware. I hated being treated like it was my fault. It puts you back in the child's seat. I hated my mood swings because I was getting very low. Even knowing there was an organic reason didn't stop it. Rational doesn't make it go away.

Meanwhile - I'm doing my best. I really am. I'm not as productive as I'd like to be but I am hopeful that positive changes begin. And I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Some people are not getting cards this year- or they are getting them late. Some people are having to deal with my sad moods BECAUSE I FEEL SAD.

And - I also KNOW that autoimmunities are odd. Many of these bizarre illnesses have gotten worse because they have been complicated and gone without treatment. Once I begin to deal with the complexities - like the out of wack thyroid and the bullshit tumor and the little things that are cropping up, the other things like the immune system can simmer back down, be calm, chillllllll.

I was able to successfully get through grad programs, exams, jobs, marriages, businesses, comedy, a busy life. I can finish this up. I can finish this writing. I can heal and be ok. I'm sure of it. I keep visualizing perhaps a much calmer life for myself- but a life. Teaching, writing, living in a cute snug home. I must keep this hope.

Life isn't all bleakness. Even in the darkness there are messages- some are actually NOT depressing. When you are very quiet and still - sometimes you are quite comforted by the realization of quiet safety for a change. I rarely let myself be overcome by despair. Having a hormonal reason to give into worst case scenarios has let me realize my own worst fears. I'm done with that. It is time to pick back up.

Life during the holidays is sad for me. I miss many people and have many poignant memories. I will hold them and move on. It is all I can do. Life may not play out the way I had hoped but how often does it? I often talk to younger people who are arrogant and have very little respect for life. One even mocked me when I said that I would gladly date someone who had been heartbroken as long as they had taken the time to heal bc they would have greater respect for life. I thought- how little you know- how little you cherish life. Immediately they feel off the radar for someone I would ever date. A person who has never known loss or pain can never truly respect life. They called it, "baggage." I find it blissfully immature and wish them well. No matter what your age - you should be able to heal from it. We all carry that and heal from it.

Wanting someone with "no baggage" is a baggage of it's own. It is called, "perfectionism." And it is a way of finding so many flaws with others that we reject everyone instead of finding beauty with people. It is OK to have specifications for who we wish to be with romantically. But perfectionism is in itself a way of rejecting life.

They also told me that being ill ads an additional component to romance- like an additional flaw. I mean - DUH. I realize that. Though it is invisible and I could lie about it through omission once I'm feeling better. But I would not because that would not be honest. People bring all sorts of sundry bits of themselves into life. The partner who accepts someone accepts the harder bits too. But yes- illness is a biggie.

I used to think I was invincible when I was younger and men were attracted to my confidence. Which is hilarious because much of it was false - a type of bravado. Was that a lie? Or was it a part of me that I am more honest about now. I'm more honest about being insecure. I'm needier now. I'm more loving. And I'm braver. I'm a WHOLE PERSON. Does it make me more or less lovable and attractive? Who knows?

"When the Japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." ~Barbara Bloom

Reminiscing

Just talked to my sweetie. We're both having a rough time. She said: "broken dreams /the holidays make it worse/ adjust to the life we didn't ask for / we don't want to shut everyone out/pick up the pieces/ plot a new course."

I've been so sad about my cat. It seems so ridiculous really. But I am. Maybe I'm just grieving him because he's a physical representation of everything I cannot articulate. Or maybe I can articulate everything just fine - but he was ALIVE and I loved him. And all the other losses that have happened were just dumb luck - but he was not dumb luck. He was sweet and wonderful and affectionate and curled up on my chest and purred. From the very day I have pictures of him sleeping on my neck - small enough to fit in a robe pocket and never happy unless he was being touched and loved.

I realize that he was a bit spoiled because he had "a good life" compared to many cats. But I WANTED him to be loved so much. He trusted me because he had no reason not to trust. I have adopted many such cats - but most of them were older and had been through more difficult early lives. He was a wee one. He was actually my ex's cat. But from the beginning- he walked straight up to me and meowed. And from the beginning he purred - even when he was a kitten. I've never known kittens to be such purr factories.

I'm just sad that he's gone. He represented the only good thing to come from my ex. All the rest is just loss loss and more loss. Last year I was just making it. I was surviving because I HAD TO. This year I look around and I actually have time to FEEL.

My possessions are in a city that is foreign to me. I'm going back in January and all I hope is that people remember me and actually want to see me. I'm staying with a friend I love. I miss people deeply. I miss my city. But I don't miss the pain. None of it.

I wonder if I learned from it. I wonder if I was supposed to or if I was just supposed to walk through fire.

My favorite house I ever lived in was a wee little blue bungalow I owned before I met my ex. It was just big enough for me. It was very snug. I actually felt more at home in that house than I ever did at the one I lived in with my ex. It was always more than I could ever afford. My former therapist said to me, "Melissa, you will plant more gardens, you will make more beauty."

I held on to her words because I couldn't believe her - so I just had to carry her words with me until I could. I'm starting to imagine maybe someday getting things written, getting my health settled, finding another wee place to live that is perfect for me again. Something where I feel organized and cozy and settled.

Yes - I still feel sad. For the first time EVER since the divorce - EVER EVER EVER EVER I did something I should not have done. This makes me sound like such a loser. I don't know why I did it. But today I discovered that he is in Tokyo. I have NEVER in 2 years attempted to find out any information on my ex. I have not even cared. I have not wanted to see him or hear from him or know anything at all about him. I wish that I had not looked up anything to find out where he was. I HATE that I know he is traveling with his girlfriend. I HATE that I know. I'm not even jealous so much as sad. Because I know he is grand. And I know in his grand gestures he does things like fly to New Zealand first class and propose on glaciers. Everything he does is magnificent. Even breaking up and divorcing is done in ways you will never forget.

If he loves you - you will be loved a story book. And if he hates you - you will feel like the world stopped. The only thing I did to spoil his plans was stop talking to him and NEVER EVER find out anything about life or him. And today- I ruined it by knowing something about him. After 2 years I failed. I wish I hadn't reminisced. Because ultimately this isn't about HIM as it is about me missing my life. My security, and yes-- what I thought was my husband.

You see - the day he asked for a divorce we had tickets to travel. He canceled them. We traveled frequently. To many places. I love to travel and miss it. I have many friends all over the globe and I miss them too. Some people I miss that I've never even met.

I LOVED MY BLUE HOUSE BETTER THAN HIS GIANT HOUSE THAT WAS NEVER TRULY MINE. And all those countries I have been to and all those countries I want to visit -- THEY WILL STILL BE THERE WHEN I AM ABLE!

I am envisioning teaching perhaps at a smaller school- perhaps even part time. Having a cute snug place. I envision my health working. And I envision my heart mending. There will be more gardens and beauty. And even pets. Sometimes we have to readjust to the life we didn't ask for. And plot a new course.