And then - I shared how I had something SIMILAR happen to me. IN FLESH AND BLOOD. I met someone - a friend- who got to know me. ME. Talked to me, shared. Etc. And I put off discussing health, not because I was hiding it- but because it is NOT the only thing in my identity. But I also knew that at some point it does get discussed. Because health IS a central issue in my life. It IS part of my identity. It is part of me and always will be.
We talked about their nursing school and I talked about SOME of my health experiences and how and why I know so much. And then THEY STOPPED FUCKING TALKING TO ME. No - nothing happened. Before they were all- bounce bounce- rattling my cages to hang out - to get to know me -to talk to me- to be in my life. And - as is my way- when one on one- I take things somewhat slow. Then suddenly- after I shared the health stuff- poof- gone.
YES- IT HAPPENS. Yes it has happened to me before. And YES IT CUTS LIKE A KNIFE. It is why I share early on and it is why I don't make a big fuss or talk about it a great deal. It is why I tend to shield people from it. I don't use e-mail addresses linked to my twitter feed or my blog. I don't want people to make snap judgments and abandon me. And yet it has happened again and again and again - in friendships, in romance, and even with family.
I don't know any way around it except to say that illness scares people. They don't want to deal with past memories or their own mortality or even what they might be going through. I've dealt with friends saying to me, "I don't want to watch you die." I've dealt with the silent abandon like this. I know in my heart IT ISN'T ME. But it ALWAYS FEELS LIKE ME. It does. It feels like a personal flaw to be ill and be left because I TRY SO HARD TO BE GOOD TO BE BETTER EVERY DAY- to think the best of people - to do good - to have pure heart. I TRY SO HARD to be better than I was - to give back. AND YES I FUCK UP. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I fuck up so much it's not even funny.
But not enough to get left for it. Abandonment is a running theme in many of our lives. And I don't know any other thing to do than simply explore it. Because to give into it and fear it and STOP cultivating relationships will only hurt me more. And yet - IT IS PAINFUL EVERY SINGLE TIME.
And I do often run away from love. I really do. Especially because it frequently feels cloying or false or needy or pressing. And really- I'm just afraid of being loved. I get it. I get it. I don't know the solution to that either. I'm so afraid of being loved right now that I have begun giving up on everything.
And then - my phone rang. It was an old boyfriend. Not a serious one - but a fun sweet one. He helped me move out of my ex's house. The kind you keep friends with for life. Hell - I think I'm friends with all my ex's - except the one's I married.
He talked to me forever on the phone. He reminded me just how much beauty I had and how much fun we had. He even remembered our first date. (I didn't). He made me laugh - bc he pursued me like crazy- and I dissed him - which is what I do to EVERY GUY. I just don't believe people when they say they want to date. And he reminded me how he would text me or call me for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS till I gave in and FINALLY had a date. I laughed. Dating him was fun. It was the way dating should go.
He pointed out how there really isn't any science to dating or friendship or relationships - sometimes they just click. And he pointed out that I was sick the whole time we dated - and it was never a big deal. I never made an issue of it and neither did he. He also pointed out that if someone cannot handle it - friends or family or dating - THEY ARE NOT THE RIGHT FIT.
It is so odd that it took a phone call from a guy who was genuinely nice to me. Who clearly still likes me and is still in my life - to make me realize and believe that I'M NOT TO BLAME. That there is nothing broken about me. Tonight - he healed me. I needed him - and somehow the world shifted and provided it for me.
We were never unkind or needlessly cruel to each other. He just went away to school. It's what happens sometime. Life just happens. And sometimes they pick up the phone and remind you that you're worth loving - when you feel completely unlovable and yucky and broken because you're sick.
Dear W.T.,
ReplyDeleteit's such a hard part of being chronically ill, for me anyway. the leaving. The coming and going; figuring out who is trustworthy with our hearts.
I know that people come and go out of healthy peoples lives, too, but I think I just realized it as I typed this. Hmmm. something to ponder.
Either way, the leaving hurts. We are so much more than our illnesses. My medical care takes up most of my time but it no longer takes up who I am as a person or the majority of my thoughts (thanks to the last year and a half of serious support from you among others).
I loooooooove escaping into a new friendship, an old frienship; any type of deep human connection. I am wired for deep human connection. Without it I would die I think.
My sister doesn't like sick people. She told me. This was over five years ago when I first was diagnoed with cancer number one, but she reinforces it with her behavior. she doesn't have to keep saying it. actions speak louder. It hurts me really badly, though. I want my sister to love me how I am and see the me that is still here.
I love her anyway and I understand that she can't see past me in my sick person identity. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't until the last few weeks or months that I have been able to be okay with it.
I wish I had a hat that I could put on when I am in patient mode. Like a physical reminder so people know that I'm focused on my health at the moment and if they care to interact that's cool, if not, I'll take my hat off when I'm done and then it's the me that isn't in the sick role. Wouldn't that be cool? I think it would.
Regarding what you mentioned about @chemobabe and her running people, I could go on and on about how it feels to suddendly be jolted from "cancer patient actively undergoing treatment" into "No Evidence of Disease" land. It was more jolting to me than the actual cancer diagnoses were. it rocked me to my core and I was almost happy to take the role back on it was *that* uncomfortable for me emotionally.
I run from love, also. I run from love and anyone who might see the authentic me. I always have and well, to quote a Chris Farley character, "I'm working on it!"
I'm happy you were reminded of a relationship that ran a natural course. You, Melissa, are so lovable. You are lovable when you don't feel well and you are lovable when you are being strong. You are lovable when you are angry and you are lovable when you are sad. And I sound like Dr. Seuss so I'm gonna stop.
I do know this; love, caring, peace, and acceptance prevail. Not the romantic kind of love but the deep, visceral and real kind. And like you told me, not *everyone* leaves, even as we are dying. Some people will pull closer in fact.
I do know this; I couldn't love you any more than I do right now. And I'm here and not going anywhere and when I die, well, I don't know what then but I'm kinda naggy and kvetchy so I'm guessing I will still be reachable in some way.
I love you. I hope this makes sense.
Love,
Amy
Thank you WT. I love you. I needed to hear this.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are indeed a lovely and lovable woman. I'm so glad your friend reminded you of that.
ReplyDeleteI think you are exactly right about why people disappear--they are afraid of mortality. I saw it over and over again when I was caring for my friend with AIDS. The excuses were different each time, but it always came down to the fact that they couldn't handle what I (and my friend) were dealing with. Or maybe they just didn't want to, I don't know, but it still hurt. It isn't your fault, but I know that doesn't make it any easier.
Thank you Leslie. I love you so much. xx
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