Receiving with Grace

Just tonight I was talking with a friend who is going through a divorce after 25 years. She was talking about Thanksgiving and how this was her FIRST holiday ever not cooking or being the one doing for others. Her story hurt my heart. How I know that story. How painful to have everything in our lives change. And worse- to watch the world continue around us - seemingly happy and carefree (the truth is - many people are NOT happy, but when we're in our pain, everyone seems to look happy when they are engaging in rituals we no longer have).

She talked of going to her neighbor's and being asked, "Are you OK?" And replying honestly, "No, I'm not, this is my first Thanksgiving after 25 years of being the one cooking." And the neighbor's mother replied, "Well this is time for YOU to receive. And more than that, it is time for you to receive graciously."

These words profoundly affected me. Repeatedly in my life I have felt GUILT when I have needed more care. And to be honest - I have been stoic to a fault. In fact, I have often HIDDEN my illnesses from friends and I have NOT talked about what was happening. I have entered every program, every comedy troupe, every workplace and NOT discussed any health implications. For me, I just "sucked it up." How often have I NOT graciously accepted the help, love, or caring from people who MIGHT have given it to me because I feared or knew they would run away?

And reciprocally - yes- MANY of my friends have gone away. YES THEY HAVE. Many of them have found out about my illnesses or perhaps I acted like a cranky shit - (yes -I have my days- and it is FAR EASIER to sound pleasant on a blog post than to bring yourself a saint every day especially when you're sick and in pain or post op).

Meanwhile - I have always thought myself hard to love, hard to deal with - and I have always EXPECTED people to leave me. But I have always put up with others. I have always dealt with other people's difficulties, their pain, their illnesses, and their problems. I have been a good friend. And so - perhaps BECAUSE of so many shitty people, I have (somewhat like a wounded animal) come to expect the worst of people - even online - I simply don't share much - not from the depths of my heart.

Even when my cat died and I was broken hearted - I quite simply drew in and mourned and mourned. I watched other people mourn OPENLY- but I hadn't the heart to express my pain out loud for the world. I just didn't think I could - not the way I was REALLY FEELING.

Where is the sweet spot? Who knows?

I am spending time right now actively working on the few carbon based friendships I have. Listening, talking, sharing. I am truly working on being honest and vulnerable and supporting. NOW AND HERE is what we have. Secondly comes my friends who are scattered wide and far- those I stay in contact with through phone, e-mail, IM, and other electronic means. We have many ways to communicate and talk. But THESE relationships matter. And it is important to trust them.

And - frankly- if I cannot trust them, I am weeding them out. It is important for me- powerfully so - to love, communicate, trust, and support. Life is full of unnecessary pain. There is NO reason to ad to it.

I have always SAID and believed that some of us are here to learn compassion - TRUE compassion and service to those of us who are ill or unable to care for ourselves. And I believe we all get our turn - from infancy to being ill to our death beds at these vulnerable states. The harder part for me is actually translating this - compassionate acts and accepting with grace into my OWN LIFE.

And that is why, perhaps, I am here. I am a human, having a human experience. I am not a guru or a saint. I fuck up all the time. And I'm TRYING - every day - to do it better. For those who have taken care of me or allowed ME to care for them - it feels right. I'm trying to stop THINKING about it and start DOING it. Getting out of my head and into reality is my job.