Fatigue

I live with fatigue. Every day of my life. Every minute. Every waking hour my body feels like it will crumble to dust. After a hot bath or during the summer it gets WORSE.

It was the ONLY nice thing about moving to Ohio.

I hate admitting to it. I hate succumbing to it. I hate telling a doctor my symptoms when they ask. It always feels like they will say, "mmm hrmmmm, depression." And even if it is or were, TREAT IT. TREAT IT. GET IT GONE!! HOLY LOVING MOTHER OF GOD, IF IT'S DEPRESSION, FILL MY FUCKING BODY WITH ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MAKE THE CONSTANT GRINDING FATIGUE GO THE FUCK AWAY." Pain I have learned to live with. It is like a habit, you take longer. But fatigue is like a rope pulled too tight that eventually releases your boat into the ocean in hopes that another (better?) person will captain the boat for you.

Once, I had a psych consult. And I sat there and my normal, happy, "can do" attitude left me. Tears streamed down my face and I said, "Please, please diagnose me as insane. Give me any code you have. Tell me I'm fucked in my head. I don't want to live like this any more. Please. I'll accept anything you tell me so I don't have to DO THIS."

I saw his face soften. And he said, "You know as well as I do that crazy people don't think they're nuts. It is only the very sane that wish this insanity to be codified and rectified."

I knew then that NO HERO would ride up on a horse and save me. I knew in that moment that NO DOCTOR would ever fix the fatigue. And none ever has.

This is my battle. Occasionally, when it matters, to my endo or my rheum or my neurologist, I tell them I have fatigue. Sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes so much it feels as though the day weighs on me more than a leaden blanket. Nothing helps. So I wake up. I carry on. I do my work. I wish I had words - I sometimes lose them. I make a mark (xxxxx) in bold when I forget things and I come back for them. Because anything I have in my head now is still there. It's just missing a hyperlink. Brains are plastic and letting this get to me will just bring more stress.

To say that living like this is joyous or calming or pleasant would be A LIE. It feels like grief. Like the saddest day without the emotion. It feels like loss without the emotional pain.

The only thing that makes it better is knowing that hundreds and thousands of people out there feel this too. Some of them are my heroes. They have many diseases - some are diagnosed some are not yet. But they feel this exact fatigue I describe. I used to play sports and run and I would feel it as I would run. And I would run against it. And I would think, "Surely I will die if I run today." And yet, I never died. I would think, "I would rather have a heart attack in the middle of the court than give in to this tired feeling." BUT I NEVER HAD ONE. I NEVER DIED.

Somedays, I wish I did, but I haven't yet. So when people tell me about their fatigue, I BELIEVE THEM. And I get up, and I keep going as best I can. Because this is all we've got.