Tether My Camel

I've been struggling a bit lately. But healing too. Many of us are. It is how it goes. Today my therapist said, "You aren't talking about your health as much and I can't tell why."

I simply said, "I left space in the darkness to be depressed without taking anti-depressants and it shifted and some of the deeper depression is gone. I also hit rock bottom (by Western/American standards) and I am here to meet my goals of finishing my writing and getting my health sorted. There is not much left for me to do but that. And, frankly, it is possible that the stupidly expensive medication I'm injecting myself with is working and I'm not having as many mood effects of the acromegaly."

She looked at me then told me a story of a friend/chronically ill pt with Parkinson's who was part of their work and who was vital to healing. He was never completely well, but they made space for him in their weekend groups. When he wasn't able to be, he slept and rested. He was first a healer and only secondly a patient.

I think she said this to give me a reminder that I am MORE than illness. Though illness touches my life in more ways than most. And though I am frequently able to pretend I am not sick at all, the price I pay is almost in dishonesty. Like not looking in the mirror.

A woman today was VENTING - literally venting because a lifestyle SHE CHOSE (vegan) for political reasons wasn't honored when she took her cousin for a birthday meal. Her cousin ordered meat and she was angry that she had to pay for it. Now she's insulted and feels that people should honor HER lifestyle if SHE is footing the bill. (She never discussed this with her cousin- which, you know - she probably could have done to avoid feeling insulted for giving a gift).

It has NEVER occurred to me to force people to eat gluten free because I MUST. Or to force people to watch me take my mediations or rest on my schedule because I MUST. I just do it. In fact, I have tried my hardest to SPARE people from it. (Sometimes I have failed from this- but mostly- I try hard to protect people - shield them from the realities of being chronically ill.) Occasionally I have asked for a shared load and when it is met, I have been triply grateful.

I'm learning about trust - and how to have a little more trust in people, but put my foot out and catch myself...

And - she shared the best ever idea with me, one I believe in greatly, "Trust in Allah but tether your camel." There are just SO many things we can count on, it is hard to get upset when it happens. I KNEW I would be miserable in Ohio (weather, missing friends, missing my LIFE). I knew it. I KNEW I was going to miss Atlanta like crazy. I also knew I would make a few friends here. I didn't know how much my health would get better or worse. And I didn't know I'd find good doctors here to compliment the one's I have in Atlanta. Some things you can count on. You can have all the "hope" you want but we don't order god around. We must still plan accordingly.

Frankly, I do that (tether my camel) by taking my meds, and resting, and getting exercise I can do for me and eating healthy healthful foods. And frankly, I do it by seeing a therapist and I'm doing it by seeing how I do on a trip and by doing my best to get out and experience life. I do it by finishing my writing and by allowing myself to FEEL fully.

And yes. Yes I miss having a normal life. Whatever "normal" means - yes I miss it. Yes I miss it. I haven't given up on possibilities but I am VERY VERY gunshy. I'm shy of dating. I'm shy of doing much of anything that involves long term planning. And frankly, even thinking of investing myself in work without the ability to take time off is ... what's the right word? frightening? hard to fathom?

I'm tired of WANTING. Of even imagining. I guess I've just plotting along for the last few years. Plod, plod, plod. Get through it, get through it, get through it. It is hard to imagine a day when I can do more than plot along again. I had them before. And when it went away, I just went into "let me make this meaningful" mode- so if I couldn't HAVE the life I WANTED, I could at least have A MEANINGFUL life.

Still hurts though.
And it is hard not to hope too much but have just enough and still keep up the plod plod plod to get through this.