Trips That Change Us

Claude Lévi-Strauss once discussed travel as fundamentally changing people. We cannot travel without coming into contact with people, cultures, and ideas that change us. (And perhaps us them.)

I took time off to travel and it changed me. It always does. I had to take time to really absorb the stories I heard and to accept some of the healing that others offered me. Some of the healing seeps in slower I think, than I might wish, but I'm still open to it.

In San Francisco I found bits and pieces of my former self. I saw friends I knew in Atlanta and stayed with them. We talked and laughed. I visited a shoe store I often visit and had a blast. I went to a club and engaged in social activities I'm good at and known for and well - it was very much "me." It reminded me who I am in a way.

Friends and I ate yummy fresh food and it really reminded me of beauty. I met people I've only talked to online, and that was joyous. I know their hearts, but meeting them in person was an even greater gift.

I got to share and be shared with. A friend met me and we had a lovely time. And they drove me to the airport. And off I went to Portland.

If San Francisco reminded me of "who I am" again, then the Portland trip was in a way a bigger blessing and a bigger heart pain. I only went there to see a friend, D, who's dad had recently died. My intensions were entirely full of love. I KNEW I would be tired and that I would want to go home. My own father had a big ceremony I wanted to be present for (and I actually missed by a day - which I feel terrible about).

Once there, my friend D had a bit of a psychotic break from reality. She was eating only cereal, had very little food in the fridge, didn't go with me to the grocery store, and went to bed at 9:30 (though she often talks on the phone to me at 11-midnight her time so I knew that she was feeling strange about having me there as a guest). I tried to be supportive but she said to me, "I feel lonely because my cat is sleeping with you." And later when a friend picked me up to take me to the falls and visit with me, she freaked out and said she was afraid for her safety and felt she was violated and felt she might be raped."

She threw me out of her house. I knew and I know that people who are on the edge don't think well. I tried to be calm and loving but she wouldn't listen to reason. My friend tried to talk to her but she hung up the phone. I simply packed my things and found friends to stay with to finish my trip. I was so sad.

The joy of the trip was that people surrounded me with love and support. They came from near and far and opened their homes and hearts to me. I am truly blessed in friends. I had a LOVELY time with people I didn't know very well. (I have more stories about the falls and views and consider them victories).

I know that people who are already walking a bit of a psychotic edge can break during pain or loss. She might not have realized it when she invited me to stay. She has stayed with me during Thanksgiving... we have taken several vacations together. However, I have never known her to be completely unstable like this. I know- I KNOW- this is not my fault. I was there only to support her and love her. I realize the only way to heal (myself) and to heal the situation is to simply love her. There is nothing else I can do for her. And so - I am sending her love.

She looks at life (at least right now) - through a fun house mirror of distortion. I have felt that way several times in my life when things weren't going well. I live life through a fairly agoraphobic haze... I get that holding her at fault or worse, myself, can do NO GAIN in the situation. Meanwhile, there is loss during this trip.

I found myself. I saw beauty in others. I saw children. I saw and heard stories and people. I laughed. I cried. I accepted generosity. I was loved. I heard "I love you, Melissa." more than I have in all my life. It was a trip of joy and healing. And it was a trip of pain and vulnerability. It held everything. It was life. Our lives are not ever perfect. Just like people. There are days where through no fault of our own, with pure intensions, people will throw us away. And after we grieve, we can choose love or we can choose pain and bitterness.

I have a VERY hard time being told "I love you." I have a very hard time being given to generously. And one of my friends who put me up for the night told me a story of when she was freshly married and young. Her much younger brother had given her a $20 dollar bill (a lot at the time). She felt very guilty and wanted to give it back. But her mother said to her, "You need to do him the honor of accepting his gift of generosity." And it made me tear up. SO many people were kind to me during my painful experience. So many people, "came to my rescue" - they surrounded me with love. They surrounded me with understanding. They handed me their hearts. They gave me their time. And I realized that THIS is what healing is about.

It is necessary to allow people into our lives, to love and touch each other. And to generously accept kindness.

As for the walk to the falls - it too held everything. Pain, joy, vulnerability, even some miracles.

It is time to heal.

Some trips change us. It is what travel was meant to do.