What Is Failure?

I often feel like a failure compared to what I WANT and what I think I SHOULD be. I often struggle with living in the present moment. I struggle to play the cards I've been dealt.

Often, I fee like a failure. There - I said it. Yes - I realize that to someone dealing with what I've got measuring like this needs a new yardstick. I GET IT.

Measuring against the cultural normative is not only what we've been taught, but it is also what many of us judge ourself against. Marriage, house, jobs. What is success? Is it being kind? Is it living in integrity? Is it offering compassion to the world?

When I close my eyes and think about what I truly want - truly want - it isn't so easy. Many of the life options that other people have may or may not be mine in the future, but they are not mine now. I used to call this divine discontent. We can acknowledge it but if I dwell in it too long I will surely never have real joy.

Real joy is when my cat walks on my chest or I have a chai with friends or I laugh at a comedian who is preposterously funny. Real joy is editing someone's essay and seeing how beautiful and brilliant they are. Real joy is watching a friend's non-profit make it and make a difference in the world. Real joy isn't all about ME ME ME. But real joy isn't necessarily self-sacrificing either.

I'm allowed to have joy for myself inside.

I have said recently that I am grateful but not happy. It is true. These last few years have not been happy years. They have been hard for me. They have been a struggle. Right now I am WORKING. I am being dutiful. I am mastering many pieces of myself. But being happy is not one of them. I have been happy in my life - truly happy - but right now is not one of them. And perhaps this is why I have felt like such a failure.

And yet- if I am reaching towards a goal that will truly bless people, truly touch people, and truly make a difference, I am not a failure. I am not. I need to write this down now because I forget it so often. FEELING and BEING are two different things. And FEELING like a failure is merely an emotion of sadness at not having the life I want. But BEING a failure is giving up, giving in to my circumstances. And I haven't. I have NOT DONE THAT.

I need to remind myself. I need to let myself know that even measured against any yard stick at all - not having a family, or a husband, or children at this moment, I can feel a loss, but that doesn't make me a failure. It makes me HUMAN. Many people lose their families along the way and it makes them NO LESS. It makes us all beautifully human. And it is what connects us.

It is important for me to remember this and say it out loud and write it down. It is important for me to recognize that FEELINGS are beautiful and OK but they are not the TRUTH. They are merely part of what makes meaning in my life. I am doing my best. My goals in life include making a difference and contributing to the world. I *would* like to have some cultural normative things in life too. But that I don't right now doesn't diminish me or what I am doing. We are all on our journey.