Knit Worthy

I have never knitted anything for myself. I have loved yarns. I have coveted projects. I have ever procured yarn for idea of making something for myself and never followed through because another "more important" knitting project came up. Simply put, I have always knitted for other people.

I have always given my knitting away as gifts. There is a phrase people use around me called, "Be sure they are knit worthy." I never understood it and cannot say I have ever followed the advice. Many of my knitting friends knit exclusively for themselves and no one else. Some find a middle ground, but most knitters I know, wear their own knitting.

I simply knit for people I love. I can see why people would feel a need to have, "knit worthy" recipients though. Along the way, several of the people that I knitted for have dropped out of my life. Some of them VERY long-term friendships. Many of them did it when I was very ill. And one, did it on my birthday via e-mail instead of sending a greeting. "I know it is your birthday but I just don't think we are in the same place anymore in our lives" the e-mail said.

I am working on forgiveness right now. She is one of those people I need to forgive. It hurt to lose someone right when I needed the most support. I was losing my life, my husband, my house, my garden, everything I knew. I needed social support. My life was shattering. I felt lost and unlovable. And, I got that e-mail on my birthday after not hearing from her for a month. Of course I suspected she and I were growing apart. But we had been friends (through thick and thin) for years.

Even after she behaved badly and I forgave her when her other friends did not, our friendship thrived. But illness was more than she could "tolerate." I felt stolen from because I had knitted with such joy for her. And all while I knitted I had nothing to do but think of her. And THIS is why people say "be sure they are knit worthy."

Another friend who is a mentor of mine, knitted a baby blanket for someone. When she gave it to the couple the male partner said, "Oh great, another fucking baby blanket." The women recipient chided him and said, "Oh, it is lovely, thank you." But my mentor was very hurt. And she said that she had spent so much more money on the yarn and supplies, as well as time and energy knitting the blanket than if she had just purchased something from a big box store for the couple and slapped a tag on it for them.

Creating from the heart is vulnerable. Gifting is vulnerable. And being hurt when we give gifts of love even more so. It opens us to pain we did not know.

Many of the people I have knitted for in the past are no longer in my life. I think about the people who have knitted, or crocheted, or handcrafted for me and I recognize how very much I treasure these things because it is very much like being given a piece of their soul. Their open hearted expression of love.

This afternoon a knitting friend said to me, "It is your turn to knit for yourself. Your next project it is your turn to knit for YOU Melissa."

And I felt at first offended and a little taken aback that she would say this. But I pondered her words and realized that self-love, and self-healing, and being "knit worthy" are all part of the process. And I DO have projects I have set in store for me. And I love symbolic healing. And I have often put off "doing for myself" in order to "do for others."

Many times I have felt "unworthy" of love, and unworthy of speaking up for myself... and maybe though I LOVE gifting from the heart - there is a small amount of belief, that I am unworthy of my own love and own knitting... Maybe in my core, I have never found myself "knit worthy." So on Saturday I am beginning a new project requiring advanced knitting skills, with yarns I love and it will be ALL for me. And the joy there is, I will not go away. I will show up for myself. And I can meditate and ponder how "being loving, and being loved, and being worth loving" are all interconnected -because they have all been such a sticky wicket for me throughout my life.