The Not So Good

I am fairly sure I am having a lupus flare. I know by now I should be used to this. I am very very tempted to stop taking all my meds and give up. But I won't. I can and will get through it - just like I always do. I am hitting a depression (again).

I am pretty sure this DOES NOT have anything to do with anything in my private life or missing Atlanta, or my cat dying, or self-esteem. I am pretty sure this has to do with a mood swing. I have a low grade cycling fever and I feel like I have the flu. I'm fatigued and have the joy of getting mouth sores and lovely mylar butterfly on my nose and cheeks. I'm bruising where I self-inject, but that is to be expected... but right now I'm having a horrific time swallowing my meds. And I can usually toss back a fistful of meds at a time. Lately I have to take them one or two at a time or I choke or gag. And of course, I have a GERD - which I rarely get. Its here. Again. I want to sleep all day. I feel awful. Like constant PMS. I've been needy and cloying and no amount of reassurance feels like enough. I feel abandoned.

THIS is probably why I was having such an awful reaction to trying to meet new people. (And it has cost me some friends. I have acted needy and unlike myself). I've not been able to make myself even go to yoga or standup. I simultaneously yearn to be around groups of people to satisfy my extrovert personality yet I'm terrified of going out in new situations without a friend or someone to keep me safe. Last week I wanted to go to knitting but I sat behind my computer monitor, frozen in an agoraphobic haze until the shop closed and they texted me to ask if I was OK and I lied and said I was busy writing. (I was, but how do you tell people what you're REALLY going through? I want them to think of me as "normal" not a freak. So I just apologized for missing and said I'd be there next week). I know those people. They are friends. I LOVE to knit! THIS is it. Hello lupus.

I have a rheum apt in a few weeks, so I'm not really going to do anything but chill out and take care of myself and rest and stretch, and relax, and stay out of the sun, and take some advil, and see if this calms itself.

I hate this. I have been doing this since I can remember. I know this. I can do it. I just don't WANT TO do it anymore. It is likely that some of my medications are interfering with each other and perhaps I need to tweak or take them further apart to have full effectiveness.

I can do it. Life is always complex. But I will be OK.