Sharing Our Truth, Asking For Our Needs to be Met

This last week has been one of some enlightenment, some introspection, and some connection. I work well with symbols, especially when I am connecting abstract healing ideas into concrete "do-ing." One thing lately I have struggled with is speaking up for myself.

The symbols here are communication devices. Recently, my phone was ruined by water and my computer hard drive seems to be failing. Symbols. I am working to see how I can effectively connect and stream all my devices together again and get them all backed up, "synced" and communicating well. I am also mourning the loss of some data, pictures, and information I will never have again. Meanwhile, when our devices don't work they don't work, they don't work in a big way. And I notice. I can't take calls, I can't get on the web, I can't write or publish, or connect with any of my friends. EVERYTHING I do is reliant upon my computer and my phone.

Right now I am working on communicating my truth and speaking my needs. In the past this involved so much fear I would either hold it in, or worse, EXPLODE because the act of speaking up for myself caused me so much fear I would react in anger and pain and fear and the resulting aggression would be so profoundly overwhelming.

(I think I believed I was so unworthy people would say no, AND I hated being a burden! I remember after a surgery a nurse asked me if I wanted anything. I wanted a popsicle so badly but I felt so worried for "putting her out." I said, "I know I'm not a princess but I would so love a popsicle because my mouth is so dry." I felt so guilty and like such a burden even though I was in pain and hurting I never thought of my own suffering, only in protecting others during it. THIS is finding a balance between not being a pest and meeting our own needs. I suspect many chronically ill people must find the balance between invisibility and loudness - since our bodies often react so loudly, perhaps some of us become overly quiet about our needs sometime.)

I always wondered WHY I would over-react. I didn't want to say, "I hate you!" Yet I did! Why? The resulting guilt would result in a cycle of NOT speaking up for myself once again...

So- lately, of course, I've had the opportunity on several occasions to get hurt feelings AND shoddy customer service AND get to speak up for myself! These opportunities were gifts in that I was able to be calm and connect with what worked in the past and what didn't work, and then self-soothe, and say to each friend that hurt my feelings what and why things weren't working and what I would like to see instead. One friend held out their hand and said thank you to me and our friendship grew. One friend did not. But in both cases, I felt very much heard and I felt very proud of myself for speaking my truth and honoring my needs AND asking for what I wanted in a way that allowed each party to say what would or wouldn't work. Clearly the friendship that didn't grow, would have never grown, and so while I feel it is a loss (for both of us, the gain to myself was that I expressed my own self-worth AND that the other person was worth my time and love).

It never feels good to know someone does not value us as much as we value them. But sometimes things are not about us. Sometimes the places we are in our lives are not intersecting. And- sometimes, the love we have to give cannot be heard. I know this from past experience when people trying to offer me love fell on deaf ears because I quite simply did not know how to interpret myself as worthy of love. It is hard for me not to take this personally. But I am learning this as well.

As I heal physically, I am learning that asking for my needs to be met INCLUDES my emotional needs as well. They are not separated. I am a whole person. I do myself a disservice if I do not see this and act as a fully functional and integrated woman.

The customer service experience was a little less positive in that I neglected to speak up for myself on the first go and had to return a phone that clearly wasn't working the second day. This time, I was pleasant and used a little humor as a sweetener, but the manager replaced it and I received a properly working phone.

Symbols. Some loss. Some friendships stronger. Some people know me better and love me more. I know some people better and love them more. Some people have chosen not to extend our circles of trust, though it was offered. I have learned how to speak up for myself and share my truth without over reacting and that it can be accepted. I am grateful for it. I'm surprised sometimes how easy it is for me to defend others who are weak or need my help, but how shy I am of speaking up for me and how awkward I have been in learning how to do it in an even manner.

Hopefully it sticks. I'm happy I finally feel like I'm worth loving and that losing me might be a loss. It has been an epiphany to consider this because I have so often considered what love I give others and how much love I feel when they love me. I never considered I might be necessary or valuable -- so somehow the act of speaking up and sharing my truth with love in a gentle fashion, sparked that in me just a little.