State of Grace

A beautiful friend of mine says of grief or onslaughts of illness, "You are in a state of grace." So people who are grieving or questioning their life, feel OK to rest or look to others or in any way "melt down" and not "function" in their usual emotional capacity.

I love that about her. It puts real language on both my own grief and others... as well as how people who are both caretakers and patients need to be gentle with themselves when they are new to illness and learning to *be* patients. A "State of grace" makes it easier to forgive ourselves and others.

It also helps consider other people's perspectives when I think about how much I leaned on people and how much they helped me through... and also how many people couldn't handle me when I was at "my worst." Yes, I might have been in "a state of grace." But they didn't know it. And I had no right to expect them to know it.

And illness and grief and hard times are when some will stand up for us and some will leave us. It is a learning experience. For a while I lost all faith in god and humanity. But the human compassion I saw from all angles actually more powerfully RESTORED my faith rather than chip it away. Perhaps on a small level, I have a deeper understanding of how people can fail both themselves and each other (and me). But on a greater scale, I know how much we can be better humans. We just can.

A comedy coach once said, "Your best friend can mess up and stab you in the back and your worst enemy can pull you out of the fire." He was teaching us how people are not all stereotypes and how on stage we need to remember the qualities of HUMANS. If we are going to be "trailer trash" on stage, we need to remember that perhaps she will become a surgeon inspite of our belief in her trashyness... or perhaps a wealthy woman draped in diamonds will cover her steak in katchup... because we all have those qualities. All of us. We are all "sinners and saints." All of us.

Meanwhile, I have done TWO THINGS as I have begun to heal emotionally and focus more on what being truly ill meant to me. I have begun writing thank yous to those who supported me the most. My doctors, my friends, and those who truly came through for me. And there are LOTS. It has taken me a while. And, second to that, I have begun writing apology notes to people that I failed during my illness... and while perhaps I was in a "state of grace" and there was no "better way" to do it (at least I didn't know it at the time) - they still deserve to know that I am sorry that things happened the way they did.

I don't want illness to damage them. I don't want them to be afraid of illness or of people. And if I can reach out and tell them that there is a better way, or just touch them and say, "I'm sorry that my being sick and unpleasant touched you badly during this time" - can help heal them - I want it to. I did NOTHING on purpose... and my ego part doesn't want to apologize. But my true spirit of loving and healing believes they deserve it.

There ARE people in my life that committed such true boundary transgressions they are gone. And they are gone and we will NOT TALK. Some times people will simple be mourned and the loss is real. And that is that. But for the rest, I am loving them and sending healing in the only way I know.

What is sad is that many of the recipients of the apology notes are not responding. But I recognize that there is NOTHING I can do about THEIR actions. In truth, and in my own heart, I am doing something I believe is ultimately right. I am healing myself. I am letting them know that they did nothing wrong EITHER. And that is more important than my own ego... But I want to acknowledge that there IS a state of grace. And we all deserve it during difficult times. And when we are able, we can reach out in both gratitude and healing to healing the world and create a better place.

I am doing my best. I am living in honesty and integrity. And it is not always easy but I believe it is worth it.