Generosity of Spirit and Friendship

One of the things that has really helped me feel less alone through everything was something completely odd. A friend of mine I've never "met" in person got huffy with me for not connecting with them as much online as usual. I've been stressed about my own health and stressed about my family... and my friend was holding back and not saying anything. I felt they didn't care. They are very well liked online and in their real life they are VERY important and in demand and have an active personal and professional life.

Instead, they waited until we were both available to talk privately and they essentially said, "I've missed you and you've been neglecting our friendship." I REALLY needed to know they cared. I needed to know they wanted me in their life. We chatted for a bit and re-connected. But that MATTERED to me. It really did. I cried knowing that I mattered to someone more than just as a funny person or someone who is around once in a while. I needed to know THEY cared if I am here or not here.

It actually gave me the self-esteem to think about my personal life and how my friends behave and what I believe about myself. Many of my friends are out of state. And that is sad for me- but we do our best to connect and talk. But there are a few I am making here in state. And some of them seem to "allow" me to love them with no seeming reciprocity. And it doesn't feel good. And having my friend reach out and show me that my friendship MATTERS and it is WANTED helped me realize that I MATTER to people. It helped me realize that I deserve to have people in my life that miss me when I am not there and that if I don't text someone for a few days- they should text me back and check in with me and ask how it is going with my family. Reciprocity.

I've found overwhelming support with a few friends. People who have been caretakers or been through illness. People who KNOW what it is like to have a rough patch. And sadly- I've found a surprising lack of it in others. People who have asked me for favors or who have pretended to be genuine but interestingly the moment I not in their lives I am out of sight out of mind. That hurts me, but at least I know. It helps me re-evaluate. And it helps me understand more about what I need in my life.

I NEED to love and be loved. I need reciprocity. I always have. There is a balance in life of kindness and sharing and taking care of people in need and in receiving love. There is a balance of joy even through pain.

People have been very good to me during my dark times. Some have offered to send me gifts as acts of love. And though it is difficult for me, I am learning more and more to open up and receive these with joy. To accept that I am worth loving. And know that I can show love and kindness and generosity of spirit to others when the time comes. And know-- that I need to make wise choices in my friendships (even though sometimes we don't ALWAYS know up front how people will act, so sometimes our relationships simply need new boundaries or re-evaluated once we have learned more about people or ourselves).

In my case, I have a loving heart and I take people at their word... and many times, I have not stopped to listen or see if there is a tit-for-tat or true balance in relationships. I just trust that things balance out when there is LOVE. But I am learning that SOME PEOPLE who have not grown- truly grown, have no interest in being this way. And THOSE PEOPLE are the ones that I need to be wary of, especially when I am vulnerable and hurting and sad and dealing with illness and caretaking and loss. I tend to overgive and over love - and those people tend to overtake without feeling a sense of either gratitude, reciprocity, or generosity of spirit.

When there are no boundaries or no balance in our relationships, it is easy to feel taken advantage of and resentful. This is my job. I am learning it. When people WANT ME and reach out for me and say, "Melissa, where are you - why are you afraid to reach out and ask me for help?" THAT is someone seeking relationship with me. They are telling me not to go it alone and they are telling me they are HURT that I would give love without accepting love from them.

People have given me their phone numbers who are not HERE. They have checked in every day to see how I am. And THOSE PEOPLE are teaching me what it is to RECEIVE LOVE and to HAVE LOVE and to know that I am WORTH LOVING with ZERO holding back.

I am truly grateful for this juxtaposition so I can see and feel and hear and do love and make wise choices in my daily life. It is an ongoing experience. It is new to me. I'm grateful for the experience so I can grow and recognize how people act lovingly and show love and do love. Love is not diminishing. We do not come away feeling resentful or used or unacknowledged from our kindnesses. And THIS is how I am learning friendship and support and generosity during my darker times.