Mystic And Scholar

The other day I had a very brief flicker: I wish I had never blogged. I wish this was never here. And I realized it was more that that. I wish I wasn't vulnerable. And I wish that my LIFE was not what it was. I wish I could UNDO my life. And the blogging highlights it because I have blogged so specifically on one topic and left so many other variables of my life removed from it.

I cannot unring a bell. I cannot unlive my life. I could delete this blog. I could burn all my journals and letters. But I cannot undo how my life has transpired. It is lived. History made. I did it even without knowing I would look back and have regret or feel ashamed. Or feel frustrated. I DON'T WANT THAT LIFE I LIVED. I want a normal life. I want an easier life. Too bad. It is lived. It is over. Blogged or not. Observed or not. Witnessed or not. My life is what it is. And here I am.

For a while now I have been having difficulty with my scholarly writing. I sought the help of a woman who excels at helping people sort through their blocks and meet their goals.

Intriguingly enough from her insight and work I have come to recognize that I very much separate my scholar and my mystic. When I am "doing school" I do not "do mystic/healer." And when I do "mystic/healer" I have a VERY difficult time being a scholar. It is as though I have locked one away at all times and made an unnecessary bifurcation.

(Sort of the way we often do jock/scholars. You can be both athletic and smart. Or artistic and athletic).

During one of our sessions I had to hold the image of scholar and the mystic in my head and focus. It was interesting because the scholar "acted up" but the mystic was FINE with it and thought the work was useful and even NECESSARY. The scholar said, "This is bullshit, I'm out of here."

Amusingly, the scholar was the one who ended up the focus of all the work. Sitting there, an old man, dried up of joy, working. Working with no love. At one point the scholar said, "You will never be loved. Who cares, keep working." And I realized THAT is a "fear" I have always felt. And that is what has always driven me academically. I got through my decade long sexless relationship by going to school, learning, focusing ANYTHING but love. And working. ALWAYS WORKING. *always working*

My resumes and cvs often have 2 jobs when I havent been in school and working. I worked full time and went to school full time. "Who cares, keep working." WHO DOES THAT?!!!

Meanwhile- I realize that the mystic and the scholar are BOTH parts of me (not the ONLY parts of me of course, but they are IMPORTANT to my writing, my work, how I interact, view myself, and important to how I approach the world). I have been ashamed of the mystic when it comes to my research and "doing science." I have ALWAYS been ashamed to say that I put THE SAME amount of weight in faith as I do in science.

Yet, I pray. I'm NOT religious but I am a pluralist and I believe in a universal higher power and I VERY VERY much believe in infinite mercy. And the mystic in me has ALWAYS ALWAYS "known" that this is NECESSARY to how I function. I light candles. I live in LOVE. I fuck up. I say I'm sorry. I explore what works. And the mystic in me feels a sense of wellness with this and has NEVER required orthodoxy.

But the scholar part of me has ALWAYS been ashamed of the mystic. I have (as an academic) been ashamed of admitting that I do reiki or that I believe in the power of prayer (beyond the psychological affects). And the scholar in me has always either ducked away from spiritual chatter or engaged it scientifically or culturally.

But the SCHOLAR the scholar is smart. The scholar is ALSO NECESSARY. Without the scholar I would have never been capable of the intellectual pursuits. I need the scholar too.

The scholar and the mystic need each other. But the mystic is NOT ashamed of the scholar. The scholar is ashamed of the mystic and fears what the mystic brings and does. (Intriguingly parallel with our current rational driven life yes?)

Meanwhile- My JOB is to get to know the scholar. Tell him he is lovable. Tell him that he can HAVE love and do work worth loving and be loved. I can give the scholar love and interact with him in ways that make sense. He clearly isn't interested... but he is the one who is hurting lately- and so is his work. (our work) - our life, our career, our vision of how we wish to MERGE our activism (mystic healer) and our scholarship (professor/research/writer).

So- the work I'm doing with this woman has been amazing. And I considered not writing it here. But I realized that it was interesting in a reflexive way. And that the mystic is pleased with it. And the scholar MORTIFIED. And I am not attempting to get them into UNION with each other so much as in CONCERT with each other... a dialogue... a friendship... a dance... a collaboration. I'm trying to think of how teams work together. Is it a partnership maybe?