The Right Way To Do Sick Well

Two of my friends inspire me to replace my stolen bike. They inspire me to get on with living. They remind me I don't HAVE to have the identity of sickness.

I played beer league hockey in Atlanta. I would skate with the most painful back on the planet. I would have to lie down after practice. Somedays I would have to lean on the glass during practice - and it looked like I was just tired - but it was because I was so in pain. I was SO hurting. But it was what I wanted to do.

At what point is "being a sick person" an identity? At what point is someone not allowed to do comedy or standup? At what point does hurting or our elevated sed rate our joint inflammation bigger than what we WANT to do or what we DO? At what point are we not allowed to do something we love (versus what we are ABLE to do)?

Basically - I sometimes don't tell people I know about hobbies or avocations I engage in because I don't want to risk judgement. Similarly - when I DO activities I often lag behind because I am not the healthy girl. It might take me all afternoon to walk what a healthy person could do in 40 minutes. I don't know the answer so I just don't compare myself to others.

The people who have encouraged and inspired me the most have been my friends who are the most fit. They are the ones who do get out and run and ride and get involved. I don't want people to look at me and say, "Clearly she is on stage or clearly she is riding a bike or clearly she is not in bed this month so she is not sick ENOUGH"... OR "Why is she doing an activity when she can't do it WELL or at an expert level?"

But-- THAT HAS NEVER HELD ME BACK. Yes I have fear. But these fears of being judged have never held me back. I've lived with them forever. But the difference is this: I have never been OPEN about being chronically ill. It has been my dirty little secret. NOW that I am open I feel more vulnerable. Before if I had prednisone bloat it could just be me being chubby. Now I feel like I should behave more like a sick girl. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. Or- if I FEEL SICK I struggle with ... how much do I have to be sick to BE SICK?

On some days I'm sicker than others. On some days I have been the worst ever. And on somedays I can do activity. What then? And - if I can ride a bike even with enormous pain- why can't I be active? Or - if I have to lie in bed to write - is that functional? What is functional? What is sick?

Even if I can barely do much - why shouldn't I? I have learned not to compare my comedy or my writing or my teaching or my scholarship and just allow and love. And it has worked out. Why now am I worrying that I'm not sick enough or healthy enough to be "acceptable?" Maybe it is because when you've learned how to be sick and be a patient, you realize that somedays you will be slammed and no matter how well you do illness ore caretaking you will STILL freak out or mess up and go bananas. And in many ways it isn't the crazy days that embarrass me - because I can write them off as "I was feeling awful." It really is me doing my best that make me feel vulnerable and judged. It is hard to live and live well. Especially when we are doing it outloud and know that there is no "right or wrong" way to do it and yet we are looking for our path.