THINGS I HATE (ABOUT CANCER) AND LOVE

I hate seeing pain.

I hate when I feel like I am not doing enough for the people who count on me.

I hate when other people feel badly and I cannot comfort them because circumstances are such that it will just work out or not. But they FEEL BADLY AND THEY ARE COUNTING ON ME TO FIX IT.

I hate letting people down.

I HATE this stress. I HATE CANCER.

I hate radiation burns. I hate other people's suffering. I FUCKING HATE OTHER PEOPLE'S SUFFERING. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.

I hate that I have no one tell because the moment I try to tell anyone it sounds like I am complaining and I only want to share my own pain - NOT COMPLAIN.

I hate my own weaknesses even though I understand them. I have compassion for my weaknesses but I still hate that they are inside of me. I wish I were less crazy and psycho when I want to have love and support and be beautiful.

I want to be wrapped up and comforted but I know that there are no heroes- that I must be my OWN HERO. AND I hate that I am SO afraid of love because with love comes risk and with risk comes pain and there is ALREADY ENOUGH PAIN.

HOW MUCH MORE PAIN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TAKE?

And yet- without love there is no healing. And without healing there is no LIFE. And without life there is no hope. And without hope there is no joy. And without joy there is no peace. And without peace there is no comfort. And without comfort there is no point.

THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS POST. I JUST HAD TO TELL SOMEONE. SOMETIMES THE DARKNESS IS ENOUGH AND THE SILENCE IS TOO GREAT.