Vulnerability and Trust

One thing that happened when I was at my sickest was that I went through a great deal of friendships. I just did.

I was always angry. I was angry at my body. I was angry at the world, at myself, my family. NO ONE could do anything enough. There wasn't enough support or friendship or love to make it better. Everyday was an endless grind and it was EVERYONE'S FAULT. I remember. I remember because it seems like yesterday that I had these reactions. I was rarely thinking right and often the people who seemed to love me the most were the people I resented.

They couldn't say or do the RIGHT thing. And I wore them out with my needs. It is why now I am SO much a proponent of both patient and caretaker advocacy... We only have so much to give on the giving end. And patients only have so much "strength" and "right thinking" during some of their weaker days.

And-- sometimes - graciously - people would spoon me - and every ounce of pain would drain from my body. And I would lie there and be at peace and wonder why anyone needed drugs. And it would even now re-affirm my belief in body centered and touch centered care. It is why I REACH OUT for people. It is why I connect. It is why I TOUCH AND LOVE WHEN I CAN.

It is also why I am so willing and ready to apologize. And it is why I am flexible with chronically ill people. Because I know how stupid they get when in the middle of it. On the other hand - I also know that I personally - as a lover, a giver- and someone with finite resources dealing with my own stuff (family, personal, and patient healing issues) need to have BOUNDARIES.

I need to limit the amount of it I have in my life at any given time. I am understanding. But I am also able to step back and say- I'll be here LATER. I don't have the ability to deal with it now.

I do not compare others. I am happy when people have joy in their lives. I am happy when people get married. Or they are in relationships. Or they are pregnant. Or they have children. I celebrate new jobs. Or new houses. Or all the beautiful "moving forward" infinite positive joy in life. Why? Because it says to me, "Life moves forward. Life moves. Life is open to you."

I am open to joy and celebrating other people's joy because for the last few years I have sat in the darkness. And if I only sat here in MY darkness it would have been too dark. But being open to OTHER PEOPLE'S joy kept me open to what is new and what is hopeful. But that is not to say that I had hope for myself. Indeed - I simply celebrated what is humanity and love and joy in others. I now allow that I myself am allowed to have GOOD DAYS. I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE JOY. It must be so. It is the first time in a long time I have even allowed these notions.

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As I sat around the table in Atlanta I was humbled by the number of people who were willing to either be with me during my darker moments or wait for me. I'm grateful that some forgave me and some waited on me and some stood with me through it. And of course, some friendships and relationships ended.

I'm still dealing with my own internal healing on this. I watch my sick friends and have the hardest time piecing together the idea that romantic relationships or friendships CAN survive illness. Based on my own personal experience (and on much of the research) they cannot. So now, as I am through some of the worst of it I am tentatively going back out in the world and I am more awkward than ever.

I am great at love but I FEEL SORRY for the people who date me in some ways. (yes- I offer a great deal of insight and understanding- but there is also the whole HOW do I do it and do it right thing). It is like dating a woman who fell off her bike and then insisted on not just training wheels but on getting on a tricycle. I'm just that terrified and spazoid about romance, dating, and relationship (especially surrounding chronic illness and the possibility that it will happen again).

So watching people be ill and do it is so bizarre to me. Watching people be "normal" in a relationship is astounding to me. I can never figure out how I can walk the world with any kind of grace or assuredness or confidence in so many ways- but the moment someone reaches into my heart on an intimate level (or even acts like they might want to) I turn into someone completely foreign to me. There is no word for it. - I drive with a gps and still get lost - and I'm that way with intimacy too.

So - people who have dated through chronic illness - with all it's danger and beauty and vulnerability- in many ways- they have healed my heart of the notion that it is HOPELESS. I know it can be done. R loving M during stage IV cancer has healed me that men LEAVE women during the worst of it. IT HAS HEALED ME.

I'm letting myself be healed. I'm letting myself be LOVED. And slowing I'm letting myself be vulnerable and sometimes even be "weak" or "sick" around people... I'm letting you see me on my bad days. I'm letting you see me when I have NEEDS.

Because always having NEEDS meant "you can leave me high and dry" now.

Again - trusting as an adult though- it means trusting with one foot out to catch us... not trusting as a child. We don't NEED rescued... we can rescue ourselves. We can catch ourselves. I need to take care of myself. I need to speak on my own behalf.. I need to say what I WANT... and THIS is also hard.

THESE are all terrifying for me. And watching people do it has helped me understand that it can be done even if life in the past hasn't shown me it was "safe" to do it the first time. I can try again. The first failure onstage one doesn't give up. The first bad grade one doesn't quit school. And so, no quitting on the difficulties of vulnerability and trust.