At The End Who Will Be There?

There are so many things I cannot blog about because I cannot break the confidence of my friends and family. I just cannot.

The people who are closest to me have been sick - quite sick. And I care about them very much. The people I love very much have been sick. And I feel awful for their pain and suffering. And it hurts me deeply.

Meanwhile- it also makes sense to me in some ways- it helps me find meaning for what I went through - that they will NOT go through it alone. Their heart will not harden in some ways the way I think mine did a little -- because it is HARD to unharden our hearts once we have felt abandoned by God and friends and the world as we go through illness.

It makes sense to me that I can reach out and say, "Here- THIS is what this will be like." Or, "Here - THIS might make it easier," Or, "Here is the name of my surgeon" or even just, "I'm so sorry this is happening."

And... sometimes, SOMETIMES I find that people FLOOR ME with their astounding lack of empathy or their ability to turn so inward they forget that some of us can be far more ill than they and do it "dancing backwards and in high heels"... (metaphorically)... yet they do such a good job taking care of THEMSELVES they forget that if we all take care of each other it feels better. I also forget that sometimes I don't have to take it PERSONALLY when others take care of themselves and do what is best for them. But I do. I do. People often seem HORRIFICALLY selfish to me because I have seen people be SO amazingly sick do such heroic things for each other and be capable of such great acts of kindness. When "healthy" people get hit with "little" bugs or tiny (everyday) illness they often seem amazingly selfish and trite to me when they don't share and reach out. (And it really is because of what I HAVE SEEN. And I need to let people be people and allow that we are all beautiful and amazing and whiny and preposterous and selfish and enormously giving. And if someone isn't reciprocating at least the majority of the time- TO allow it and have boundaries and not judge it but CARRY ON IN LIFE, not try to CHANGE THEM. Wanting people to change is just setting myself up for angst and anger).

Meanwhile - I'm also sad for my family right now. My uncle is in ICU and on full code. This is a REALLY important discussion about this from someone I really respect.
http://www.pallimed.org/2011/01/hospitalists-and-code-status.html We have a very typical family. They don't discuss their wishes. My uncle hasn't talked to his children in 31 years. We didn't even know he was on chemo. I haven't seen my uncle since I was a child. He is older. My mother has been taking care of my dad and didn't feel "right" making decisions about her brother without talking to her siblings. Meanwhile times like THESE it really is somewhat too late to talk to all your siblings and figure out "what is right" for your brother.

I talked to the ICU doctor and asked her questions about my uncles CT scan and the stage of his cancer and what they found in his bones and his brain. It was painful for me to realize that his children were estranged and not interested in making decisions or even knowing about him. Life and death issues are bigger than that. And making someone who is already going through cancer with her own husband deal with it is just so awful.

And also - I realized that THIS is what life is. It is messy. It is painful. And sometimes we mess up and think there is no going back. And sometimes maybe in some ways there is no going back. And I guess some people are damaged so badly there is no one for them anymore. I said, "No one dies alone." My mom cried. This is her brother. The realization hit her that he is alone. Fully alone. He might make it out of ICU but he will surely be in a hospice somewhere and alone. And it is sad. Terribly sad.

We cannot fix the entire world but we can do what we can to not let people be alone. But - RIGHT NOW - we also have to do what we can to mend fences and restore friendships and take care of people and say we are sorry. We need to so we don't end up so very alone and estranged.

I have nothing else to say. I don't know what else to say.