She in turn pointed out that we are never connected BECAUSE of people but because of our hearts. It was a quote she recalled- about only god being able to fulfill our connectedness.
I believe this. I have been missing my connection. I have also been NOT dating. And there is a part of me that feels afraid that I will be ALONE forever. And a part of me that feels unlovable. And a part of me that feels sad that I don't have children. And a part of me that feels too fat to BE lovable. And parts of me that feel completely opposite of all this.
I have spent my life healing and loving and learning how to forgive and love and be loving and lovable. I know that god has infinite mercy. And you can insert whatever name for god you want - but I KNOW that where I am right now is not where I want to be. But no PERSON can solve this for me. Perhaps people and connectedness and healing and loving can - but a PERSON cannot take away my FEELINGS of lack or fear. I must engage them myself. I must FEEL them.
And ultimately - life is a process that we go through alone. YES perhaps it is my job to learn vulnerability and trust. YES it is my job to start making wise choices about who I love and how I have boundaries - because sometimes people do cruel and unkind things and it is not MY fault.
I just spoke to a former English teacher. We became very close when I was in uni and then we became close when she was in treatment thru chemo. And then she got her PhD and I watched that. She was the first person to ever call me a scholar. And when I graduated from undergrad she was there encouraging me to get my grad degrees. And back in those days - I TRULY felt stupid and unworthy. I felt higher education was insurmountable. My parent's friends paid for their educations or at least helped them.
My friends were single. My friends didn't work full time. My friends traveled. I felt crushed by insecurities and judgements. They still creep up but not as often. Some where along the way I was healed a little more and a little more. To where now I only feel it a little. I feel fat some days and agoraphobic and am afraid to go out and meet people. I feel afraid to finish writing least I not say what I need to say. But slowly I am learning not to judge myself against other people and am less worried about what other people say ABOUT and TO me.
EXCEPT FRIENDS. When I embrace friends I expect them to be REAL. And I am noticing they are not always so. I am learning slowly to forgive. And I am learning to RELEASE. I am learning to have fewer "friends" than I thought I needed. And - sometimes I question myself. I say, "Would X come here to visit ME?" But the answer is YES. Throughout my life my friends have been IMMENSELY generous with me. I have been INUNDATED with love from all sides. I have been CONSTANTLY shown love during my most necessary times.
And so perhaps X might not visit - because *I* need to visit them. Perhaps I need to be the friend this time. It isn't always about me. And I am learning this.
Only god can give me a sense of fullness and connection. I know this. I meet people all the time who seem to have a COMPLETELY FULL LIFE and yet they are not happy. I meet people all the time who are living a joyous life yet seem serene. Because they have chosen to be connected. THIS is powerful.
I need to know this and feel it.