Mystic And Scholar

The other day I had a very brief flicker: I wish I had never blogged. I wish this was never here. And I realized it was more that that. I wish I wasn't vulnerable. And I wish that my LIFE was not what it was. I wish I could UNDO my life. And the blogging highlights it because I have blogged so specifically on one topic and left so many other variables of my life removed from it.

I cannot unring a bell. I cannot unlive my life. I could delete this blog. I could burn all my journals and letters. But I cannot undo how my life has transpired. It is lived. History made. I did it even without knowing I would look back and have regret or feel ashamed. Or feel frustrated. I DON'T WANT THAT LIFE I LIVED. I want a normal life. I want an easier life. Too bad. It is lived. It is over. Blogged or not. Observed or not. Witnessed or not. My life is what it is. And here I am.

For a while now I have been having difficulty with my scholarly writing. I sought the help of a woman who excels at helping people sort through their blocks and meet their goals.

Intriguingly enough from her insight and work I have come to recognize that I very much separate my scholar and my mystic. When I am "doing school" I do not "do mystic/healer." And when I do "mystic/healer" I have a VERY difficult time being a scholar. It is as though I have locked one away at all times and made an unnecessary bifurcation.

(Sort of the way we often do jock/scholars. You can be both athletic and smart. Or artistic and athletic).

During one of our sessions I had to hold the image of scholar and the mystic in my head and focus. It was interesting because the scholar "acted up" but the mystic was FINE with it and thought the work was useful and even NECESSARY. The scholar said, "This is bullshit, I'm out of here."

Amusingly, the scholar was the one who ended up the focus of all the work. Sitting there, an old man, dried up of joy, working. Working with no love. At one point the scholar said, "You will never be loved. Who cares, keep working." And I realized THAT is a "fear" I have always felt. And that is what has always driven me academically. I got through my decade long sexless relationship by going to school, learning, focusing ANYTHING but love. And working. ALWAYS WORKING. *always working*

My resumes and cvs often have 2 jobs when I havent been in school and working. I worked full time and went to school full time. "Who cares, keep working." WHO DOES THAT?!!!

Meanwhile- I realize that the mystic and the scholar are BOTH parts of me (not the ONLY parts of me of course, but they are IMPORTANT to my writing, my work, how I interact, view myself, and important to how I approach the world). I have been ashamed of the mystic when it comes to my research and "doing science." I have ALWAYS been ashamed to say that I put THE SAME amount of weight in faith as I do in science.

Yet, I pray. I'm NOT religious but I am a pluralist and I believe in a universal higher power and I VERY VERY much believe in infinite mercy. And the mystic in me has ALWAYS ALWAYS "known" that this is NECESSARY to how I function. I light candles. I live in LOVE. I fuck up. I say I'm sorry. I explore what works. And the mystic in me feels a sense of wellness with this and has NEVER required orthodoxy.

But the scholar part of me has ALWAYS been ashamed of the mystic. I have (as an academic) been ashamed of admitting that I do reiki or that I believe in the power of prayer (beyond the psychological affects). And the scholar in me has always either ducked away from spiritual chatter or engaged it scientifically or culturally.

But the SCHOLAR the scholar is smart. The scholar is ALSO NECESSARY. Without the scholar I would have never been capable of the intellectual pursuits. I need the scholar too.

The scholar and the mystic need each other. But the mystic is NOT ashamed of the scholar. The scholar is ashamed of the mystic and fears what the mystic brings and does. (Intriguingly parallel with our current rational driven life yes?)

Meanwhile- My JOB is to get to know the scholar. Tell him he is lovable. Tell him that he can HAVE love and do work worth loving and be loved. I can give the scholar love and interact with him in ways that make sense. He clearly isn't interested... but he is the one who is hurting lately- and so is his work. (our work) - our life, our career, our vision of how we wish to MERGE our activism (mystic healer) and our scholarship (professor/research/writer).

So- the work I'm doing with this woman has been amazing. And I considered not writing it here. But I realized that it was interesting in a reflexive way. And that the mystic is pleased with it. And the scholar MORTIFIED. And I am not attempting to get them into UNION with each other so much as in CONCERT with each other... a dialogue... a friendship... a dance... a collaboration. I'm trying to think of how teams work together. Is it a partnership maybe?

Wife, Daughter, Mother, Whore, & Improv

I was watching improv the other day - a funny and good team. And I saw again and again the men be REALLY different characters all over but when they got on stage they would automatically limit the women to one of four things. (I also saw a moment where a woman was on all fours and then quickly got up and start talking like a human rather than just BE a cat or an animal and COMMIT to being something different... which is SO frustrating - because that was THE MOMENT- THE SWEET SPOT when she could have BEEN SOMETHING POWERFUL).

And it is the frustrating thing in comedy where people (often men) will attribute you a role or character of lesser and it is often wife, daughter, mother, whore (and cannot even FATHOM letting you play a man, or a more powerful character like a boss or a scientist or a researcher or a surgeon)...

What's more than that? What's bigger?

I TRY during these moments to just seek the relationship and commit to YES... if I am this WHAT THEN.. what's more than that. What's bigger or more powerful than the sex, the blue, the quick laugh? What's more powerful? What cuts deep?

But it is SO EASY to go for the funny easy than to go for the REAL, the deep, the awkward, the CHARACTER'S REAL... and I see it all the time and I've seen it for YEARS.

It is frustrating because it is the EASY way out. And it is the easy way out in LIFE too.

What's more than that? What's bigger?

I'm still seeking answers because at one point someone said, "OMG, you don't like to go blue on stage Melissa?" And I laughed and said, "No- that's EASY, I'd prefer to find the REAL human connections and get people to laugh because they RECOGNIZE themselves in THAT." And someone said, "Well someone dropped a baby already." And I got mad at that and said, "Well- she was already a wife, a mom, a whore, a sister, and a girlfriend tonight. When that happens and a woman never gets to be ANYTHING ELSE on stage, sooner or later she's gonna drop the baby."

I don't think they got it. They just walked away. And when I was on stage the moment I sat down to play atari with someone in character (I was playing as age old combat and looking for RELATIONSHIP but I'm rusty- I was seeking connection but I've never jammed with this team before), immediately he said, "You're pretty, too bad you're not pixels." Of course, that's FUNNY. It's standup materials. BOOM BOOM SNAP. hahaha. But that's not IMPROVISED CHARACTER DRIVEN NARRATIVE. He could have been playing with anyone.

And yes- I get whored out on stage ALL THE TIME - especially compared to the past teams I've been on where we were TRAINED not to do that. I've been on well trained teams with coaches that made us dig deeper. I want more. I want people to look for more.

And this reflects LIFE, not just improv. Improv reflects life and it reflects connections and it reflects our fears of not letting our scene partner/life partner/ the people we meet BE anything more than someone stupid and pretty and dumb without REAL SELFNESS. It reflects FEAR of emotion. (And here is MY question: WHY are you on STAGE if you aren't willing to GO THERE?)

GO BIG. OR GO HOME.

LIFE is full of real human emotions.

Explore them. They're brilliantly amazingly beautifully hilarious.

Connections

One lesson a great improv teacher taught me when people couldn't make a show was, "That's one less connection I will make."

I've been meeting so many people lately as I've made new connections in a new city. And one of them is overwhelmingly that they tell me I look like their mother... and that their mother is dead. Most of them deal with it well but a few of them just can't handle the resemblance.

I realize that I probably DON'T really look like their mother so much as I ACT like a mother, a nurturer. I seek connection. And, possibly, I'm finding wounded people right now because of my own woundedness. We tend to parallel or pull in what we need to see.

Meanwhile - last night yet another person said to me that he didn't even want to KNOW ME because of the striking resemblance to his mother.

And it hurt my feelings immensely. I realize that it is HIS STUFF not mine. And also - I realize that it is one less connection I will make. We can't make things personal. We have to understand that people are on their own journeys.

Meanwhile - it is interesting to me how often I hear this. It is hard not to feel matronly when I am told how strongly I resemble a mother. Or I am compared to a mother. But I also realize how much I WANT to be a mother. And perhaps there is an energy there that moves beyond me.

There are universals that speak.. and perhaps right now I am healing a wounded nurturer and they are healing their wounded child. Who knows.

All I know is that it has come up again and again and I am not seeking it. My pain over dead children must equal their pain of their dead mother. And sometimes rather than reach out and comfort or connect, perhaps it is easier to run away.

One less connection. We are only human. I'm not here to solve issues. I'm only here to look inside my own heart and heal it. And in healing it I know I will from other people's stories and experiences. And there will be joy and connection along the way.

It is hard though sometimes - to trust that any of this is worth it. It is hard to believe that there will be anything worth going forward to in the end. It is hard every day to push forward. Especially when I am being compared to what brings people pain instead of what brings them joy.

It has been a remarkably hard week for me. I know that no one will rescue me. I must rescue myself. And so I am. But it would be nice it once in a while, instead of seeing strength someone would look inside and see how fragile and delicate and real and vulnerable I am and not just how many times I can be compared to what brings them pain.

I hurt too in my own unique ways and I never cast them away or made them wrong. One less connection. Their choice, not mine.

Dr. John's Response to My Blog

I love Dr John Mandrola's response to my blog (on twitter as @drjohnm). He is a man who deals in hearts and has a hero heart.

Doing Not Comparing

..."Put me down in the belief that seeing the positives is a great start. And then…do…if only a little. Do some more. Give life a good shake and a grin.

I don’t have references, but I have the feeling that the human heart likes doing–and isn’t much on comparing."

So- here we go. What the doctor ordered. And yes. "Pedal on." *Fist Bump*

The Right Way To Do Sick Well

Two of my friends inspire me to replace my stolen bike. They inspire me to get on with living. They remind me I don't HAVE to have the identity of sickness.

I played beer league hockey in Atlanta. I would skate with the most painful back on the planet. I would have to lie down after practice. Somedays I would have to lean on the glass during practice - and it looked like I was just tired - but it was because I was so in pain. I was SO hurting. But it was what I wanted to do.

At what point is "being a sick person" an identity? At what point is someone not allowed to do comedy or standup? At what point does hurting or our elevated sed rate our joint inflammation bigger than what we WANT to do or what we DO? At what point are we not allowed to do something we love (versus what we are ABLE to do)?

Basically - I sometimes don't tell people I know about hobbies or avocations I engage in because I don't want to risk judgement. Similarly - when I DO activities I often lag behind because I am not the healthy girl. It might take me all afternoon to walk what a healthy person could do in 40 minutes. I don't know the answer so I just don't compare myself to others.

The people who have encouraged and inspired me the most have been my friends who are the most fit. They are the ones who do get out and run and ride and get involved. I don't want people to look at me and say, "Clearly she is on stage or clearly she is riding a bike or clearly she is not in bed this month so she is not sick ENOUGH"... OR "Why is she doing an activity when she can't do it WELL or at an expert level?"

But-- THAT HAS NEVER HELD ME BACK. Yes I have fear. But these fears of being judged have never held me back. I've lived with them forever. But the difference is this: I have never been OPEN about being chronically ill. It has been my dirty little secret. NOW that I am open I feel more vulnerable. Before if I had prednisone bloat it could just be me being chubby. Now I feel like I should behave more like a sick girl. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. Or- if I FEEL SICK I struggle with ... how much do I have to be sick to BE SICK?

On some days I'm sicker than others. On some days I have been the worst ever. And on somedays I can do activity. What then? And - if I can ride a bike even with enormous pain- why can't I be active? Or - if I have to lie in bed to write - is that functional? What is functional? What is sick?

Even if I can barely do much - why shouldn't I? I have learned not to compare my comedy or my writing or my teaching or my scholarship and just allow and love. And it has worked out. Why now am I worrying that I'm not sick enough or healthy enough to be "acceptable?" Maybe it is because when you've learned how to be sick and be a patient, you realize that somedays you will be slammed and no matter how well you do illness ore caretaking you will STILL freak out or mess up and go bananas. And in many ways it isn't the crazy days that embarrass me - because I can write them off as "I was feeling awful." It really is me doing my best that make me feel vulnerable and judged. It is hard to live and live well. Especially when we are doing it outloud and know that there is no "right or wrong" way to do it and yet we are looking for our path.